The HIKE

A few years later

I appreciate everything

The group that

Willing

Join me in the crusade

I forever grateful

The group that went through the trauma with me

Although deep down I never admit it

But this is my take

Although they don't realize

But hey, I told myself

This was never about anyone

or myself

It was getting the awareness or milestone 

For a person getting 30's

Do I want to spend the rest of my life

with her?

I was searching for the answer every night before I sleep

And

Yes

She brightens my day

Everyday

She was weird enough that made me feel comfortable

She sees my vulnerable side every time

She calls out my bullshit

She willing to stay

that all matters 

I damn lucky enough to have her

I love U

Some change

Happy new year, first

Reading back to my previous post

I smile

Smile because I knew

What I said 3 months ago, is an insanity check

Thanks to my previous self

I'm still on the same course, to be better

Recent

A better friend, that I never thought of

Blessed, and I grateful

I guess I try to make up those missed time

As I should be

I was emotional once, that can't change

I hope, I'm better now

And I felt that rational thinking I need it from years ago

Funny

The most rational-thinking friend I have 

Recently doing a lot of irrational decisions as I was years ago

I smirk

But I help anyway

Because I know how that darkness will look like if I let it be

I don't want another person to go into the abyss, that I went through years ago

But really up to him

And I hope he found happiness

Just because he is one of my best friend

The friend that I need when the moment of time

2AM

Father hasn't slept, he missed mom

Not because I guess, but because of his act

I'm powerless, to help him

The only way I can help him

Is to make sure, every damn time

He is feeling good and better

I couldn't imagine what he going through and I hope he found his way

Last drink for me, close to drunk for my body system

Closing here now and then

I wish and hope

Is a good year for me

If you reading this

Happy new year to you too

Wish you a great year ahead

Miles

Challenges for 1 song blog

Miles

A new job

A new calling

I hope

Not much a leader most of my life

At least the past few years made me be

And I am thankful (R.Y.)

The song is close to the end

But my mind still constructing the sentences

Cyberpunk 2077: Edgerunner is an epic series

That made me made write a blog

At least

But I doubt

At this point

Anyone will revisit this blog anymore

A dead blog anyway

5.40AM now

Why am I still here?

Just to prove I'm still young to stay up all night?

Nah

Raining outside

With headphone

Hear nothing but the song Let You Down

FUNNY

There was a time

I do believe, what you said

But same as always

When I need you

You're not there

Not even try

Then I realize 

All this time

ALL THIS TIME

Just

Nothing but mirage

But now

It really doesn't matter

I glad

We didn't 

Or I didn't 

Fate or not

I'm glad we really didn't 

And I still wish

You found happiness

It's okay

I tried to succeed the dream you wanted

But

The choice is not on me but on you

Maybe this might be the last time

I refer to you as you

Maybe

After a few recent chat

There is no more us or you anymore

One reluctant help

I just knew

It just still you you

To me

And that just plainly put it

We're always miles distance

And I don't blame

It just clarifies everything

Let's bury deep

And I hope

I never dig it up again

Some new years

Sometime

Life just hits you

and they dare to say 

lightning never strikes twice

Just after two months

My other half mom

Left the world

The feelings of losing someone

It just hit again

Then 

We fell into a mess

We're all in a mess

We grasp so hard but it slips through so easily

I'm so mentally drained and tired

I told myself maybe all this

All this is a test

You know eventually

someone close to you'll leave

But you chose to ignore

because you know that not going to happen at the moment

Until

It happens

Then my love and I

We hit the lowest point of our life

I guess

We didn't properly manage our communication 

There comes our biggest argument since we knew each other

I guess

I always tried to avoid any conflict

or anything things that I'm really not confident of

But this had to change

and I trying

Hope the next update will be a fruitful and joyful ones

See ya

Fear

I never understood the actual fear

Until

Someone close to you 

Left

Without a sign

I guess

I'm too afraid to face it

It's been 

Two months

Since mom left

23 September

Date I couldn't forget

Father been grieving in his own way

Brother tried stepping up his game 

Sister same old same but I just hope

She will better than me, future

It's not easy for the pass few months

I been trying to be strong

Keep it together

Mentally prepare for anything

But

It's not enough

Some day I just told myself

Or worst lie to myself

That everything going be alright

Which not

I'm over stress

For everything

Mom

I just hope

Your afterlife

Got a better family

At this point

 At this point

You wonder how many failures you have been

Failure just another reason you get back up to your game

Life is like a game

Either you get cheat code on start

or you build from start

But you'll never too late

At the modern age

When you start to compare yourself to others

Means you desire

Desire something

Something more

Pursuit that goal is something next to your mind

But never

Ever

Defy your heart

Your origin idealism

 

Too much recent update to update

Hey

You

Yes

Is you

Don't turn away yet

Seem like 4 of June I update once

Sorry too much of myself?

Recently I discover

The inevitable

Wake

Work

Eat

Sleep

If I want, drunk maybe

But I don't like the drunk version of myself

But again

I enjoy it

At this hour

I should sleeping

But with alcohol

I was wide awake

Look at my top right 

A Window

It might tell me

If Sun is coming up

I'm alright if you ask me

I should sleep

But sometime

Thought

Purpose

Issue and solution 

Prevented my sleeping

Sometimes

I can sleep like Hypnos

Maybe too much of Hades (A game consist Greek mythology I recently get addicted about)

But anyway

I should sleep

If so, why you update the blog?

Maybe I just like to write stuff that I didn't show in front of people

Even my closest friend or family

Maybe when drunk it really can show myself

But until then

I keep all this to myself

Goodnight world.

停留

4年前
似乎大家的博客最后更新
都停留在4年前
而自己接近2年没写了
说好“封”博客呢？

但还是爱写
还是回到了这里

这些年

说不出的蜕变
说不出的感慨
说不出的当下

回想2012年
那是8年前
刚中学毕业的自己
依然爱写博客
舒坦自己的情感

因为在这里
才能真正的释放自己的情绪
奔放自己

为什么将近2年没写
因为
找到了自己的情感磁铁
真心感谢博客那些年的感情抒发

然而我依然心系这博客
好吧
以后
至少一年更新一次吧
虽然没人读
但
至少是自己的心历

问自己

生活与理想
接近了吗？
不然但需加倍努力

美好？
瞳景

幸福？
依然

成长？
每天

难得的假期+更新

Hi! 

你好

对不起

相隔6个月的更新

希望你时不时等待我可能的更新

这六个月

我都过得很好

酒喝少了

哈哈

这个事实

现在想更新也是因为明天（其实是今天）对我来说是一个假期

加上喝了一些威士忌

听着The Killers 的音乐

很有感觉   就想更新了

若是让她知道我那么迟睡觉   又要被骂了

今年的MCFA坐板凳了

或许我真的往后退了很多步

或许像她说的   我的重心不再是足球

当家里都过得去的时候

足球是我唯一能逃避一切的出路

现在   家里差不多都依赖着我   加上弟弟的不争气

我真的无可奈何

好在我一直都是省吃俭用

超级会忍一切的诱惑

加上不爱花钱

我现在能体会什么叫以家庭为先的感觉

当你有所有诱惑在等待着你时

你知道   唯有放下诱惑  才能拯救他们

当你非常清楚自己是一个

对自己人爱的人心很软的人

你唯有妥协

一切

所有的一切

只为帮助他们

牺牲自己

25年

我觉得我有资格说自己怎样的一个人

我知道

牺牲这个词

对我自己不陌生

因为

任何必须牺牲自我的情况下

我都会找一个原因

让自己的牺牲是为了更好的未来

这是为自己洗脑

也是让自己好过一些

4点了

刚和妈妈谈了家里的状况

然后威士忌还不够   我决定加注

和妈妈谈了

发现

我必须加倍努力

去争取更好的职位

我会说职位是因为

有一个导师曾说过  “让自己增值  等于让自己的薪水增值”

而我选择 相信  知识等于财富

简单的工作日   并不能带来增值

唯有突破自己的极限才能有更好的未来

我希望那天我能看到

妈妈不再负债  看到她要的东西我能买给她

爸爸能任意花钱他想要的东西

而我能不顾虑就买我想要的东西

我真的希望有一天 我能做到这样

25了

25许多人都开始筹钱买屋子了

而我才开始做工

我从来都不相信什么第一桶金

因为我觉得那是愚蠢的目标

为了钱而设的目标

而

现在的我

时常载一些队友

一些乳臭未干的小朋友

让我的觉得

这是对感恩的人的回报

当你受恩惠

你想把你感受的恩惠传到下一个人

你不知道这个会不会成功

但你只会对自己说

当你有能力

你就尽力

问心无愧

那是最好的答案

睡觉吧

5点了

等下还有MCFA的比赛

休息然后再战

意外

有些意外

不说不说

就成了历史，过去

凌晨3点01分

开始写我的接近一年后的部落格

刚从Langkawi旅行回来

一个总结来说

这个旅行 比起以前

开心很多

虽然

喝的酒比较少

但

开拓视野的旅程变多

一直都希望和家人一起开拓新的视野

着旅行圆了梦

照片未能及时洗出来因为技术上的问题

不过我都打算放一些可以看的到insta

但突然想写不是因为这个

而是因为

去年那个时候

我决定不再追逐

自己一直深爱却不被爱的人

我不怪她

怪就怪

有本事喜欢别人 没本事让人喜欢你

我希望 那一年 这一年 她都安好

虽然我们没常联络

但

真心希望她能很好

过去

我说过的话

我给的承诺

我们对彼此的期待

我们给对方的承诺

对我而言

是一种成长

对你又是怎样的体验呢？

我想知道

可是

每当我们见面时

彼此都带着一些不想让对方知道的面具

隐瞒

深怕因为说了而给对方留下能判断自己印象

而毁了自己的形象

然而

当我们再一次见面时

彼此都有了心上人

可能

一直以来

我只想安定且找一个能和我疯狂的人

而我找到了

而你

而你

我忘了

去完全爱你的感觉是怎样的

完全去猜测和感受你的情况

是怎样的

我忘了

该怎么去感受

你

该怎么去观察

你

而你的感情

我希望你能找到你的

不再乱

不再慌

只求你拥有简单的幸福

你想要的爱情

的确

无可否认

那些年

我爱过你

深深的爱过你

但

说白了

自己一厢情愿

现在

虽不爱

但

心底总还是会有你

可能这个就是别人说的

真的深深爱过的烙印

而这个烙印

不疼反而珍惜

谢谢有了这段经历

才知道怎样对待接下来的感情

现在3点59分

写完

睡觉

几时再更新

我真的不知道

你就别等

因为

我开始往前跑了

巴士站

那天 出门时天气很好 带着睡意的我去上课 到站 头低着下火车 上阶梯 然后下阶梯时看见一个很熟悉的书包 吊饰 装扮 背影 是她

就那么一刹那 我的心跳的很快 很快 在过票站时 我故意站在她的后面

然后自己纠结了几秒 才跟她说 hi 那时 她往身旁的铁板撞了一下 看着我

“诶？” 她惊讶地看着我
“嗨。怎么你在这里？” 我问
“ 你跟踪我啊？”
“嗯，是咯。”
“你的课不是在很迟才有吗？”
“嗯，不过我想早来。那你怎样去学校？搭巴士？”

其实我知道她来这里的目的
“诶，这里怎样搭巴士的？” 她说
“走咯，一起搭巴士咯。” 我说
“唔 不了 我有朋友来载我。”

我没有想就直接知道是谁的问她
“哦？谁？Joshua？” 我问
“嗯”
“哦 好吧。”
“那你要一起做车吗？”

我迟疑了一下说：“好啊。”
然后我们还是没有什么眼神交集
可是我看着她
她 依然是那么的 漂亮 能让我 的心从每分钟80跳下 用3秒时间 直上每分钟120下
此时此刻 我感觉 自己又要开始陷入一种循环

然后我对她说：“唔 我觉得我还是去等巴士比较好 你在这里等他吧。”
“怎么了？ 一起啦 没关系的”
“不了 我去等巴士吧。”
“为什么你要弄到那么Awkward？那么尴尬？” 她心里急着的问
“啊？什么尴尬？没有啊。就 我不想打扰你们俩。” 我说
“好啦 好啦 你走 你走 不要回来” 她 生气的说

不知道是我多心还是什么的 我看见她好像要哭了
之后我挥挥手 然后往巴士站等巴士
坐在巴士站的我整个人心跳很快 脸都青了 我上了巴士 手还在抖 不知道为什么

那个你喜欢的人 你拼了命追了5年 和你一起经历很多的人 她视为你是她很重要的人 你也视她为生命里 其中一个很重要的人 就 她对你说 “尴尬” 你不会觉得奇怪吗？

如果是以前的我 我会答应 然后一起做车 我会基本上会为她做任何事情 而且是200%的卖力和成果  现在的我 真的不确定了 毕竟 从那一刻 我对她许下承诺 答应她 我在也不会有对她 拥有任何想发展更进一步的关系后 感觉我变得不是 以前的那个自己

那天我们的见面后的30分钟 天空就下起雨
我问自己
你还在乎吗？
你还爱她吗？
我看见的 全是自己点头的影像

Morning

Well, here I am. Again. I hope the last post I did anything stupid because by far what I concern I did post a title. It is 7.30am now, morning! I have something to confess about.

I going to stop everything of the girl I met earlier. Not because of feels or not suitable for each others or any reason you can think of. It's just I'm not ready yet. I feel like there is so much darkness inside me, and she is kind and pure heart that I can't taint. I can't just release my darkness into someone.

"In relationship, if you hesitate , then the answer is simple. Either you both not ready, or one of you doesn't love another enough."

Don't get me wrong, I'm still happy. I have friends that annoyed me so much, try to burn me into ground and much more. Relationship? I'm no ready.

By the way, it is really weird if I not mention it. So yesterday I got sleep early and I didn't check the phone. In my sleep, I dream about somewhere a house, you coming in after your Frisbee match. You look, taller than me I guess? We didn't have eyes contact and you just walk right pass through me. Then I awake. I get off bed at 7am. Check on phone and here it is, I saw your message. Nothing much just a link to Lazada. Weird. Really weird. FYI, I mean you is Ms. J here.

Happier

The song that recently that keep me playing at an emotional period

Ed Sheeran -- Happier

Talented artist, the lyric just write deep through my heart

For a long time, I feel like I never been myself

Until I met a girl recently

She

Is awesome, there are words I can't find to describe her

It just everything feels so right

Sometimes I discover we actually like the same stuff

And when I say same is that nerdy stuff

I just never met a girl that can differentiate DC comic and Marvel 

The more we talk the more I found we a lot in common

At the moment, I keep on review and alert myself

If I'm prepared or desperately jump into a relationship

The girl is interested 

But I afraid 

Because I'm not sure I ready to commit to another girl 

"God, please give me the strength." 

So, I told the girl I want to take it slow

She agreed

Because both of us hurt by those so call "TAKERS" in relationship

After that conversation, she confess to me that she still think about "HIM"

But I never told her that I still hold on Ms.J

Or told her anything about Ms.J stories

Because I want to start new, start fresh, left all old scar behind like nothing

5 years for a girl, I think I'm fair to say, there was no progress

I don't blame her, I just blame myself I can't give her feelings that fall in love with me

If the girl don't have the interest of you, there is nothing you can do to get her heart

If you do everything like I did to her and eventually she have feelings for you

Congrats, I wish and bless you both, because you are the lucky one

If not, please take your time move on and take every possibility to know every girl

I don't care you are flirt or being a jerk as long as you move on the girl who TAKES everything of you, including happiness

If you still can care for her, it's not a big deal, but REMEMBER REAL HARD, who you going to be when you care for her. As a friend? or as the person who loves her since the start.  

I can't believe I saying this 

But I did happier recently 

After I feel like happiness not going to fall on me anytime soon

But

I did feel happier to care for someone 

But hey

Once I confirm something 

I try to post her to tell my reader

OKAY?

Peace

哈！你就好咯！

哈！
没想到同一个时候有两个更新
我只是醉了
想写些东西
可能我傻了
以为能逃避这一切
才发现原来
逃避关于你
是多么的困难
对不起让你烦了
那么久了
我想我的对不起也没价值了
相同与我对你做的东西对你也没任何感觉了
筹备惊喜也只换来你的＂算到我会那么做＂的眼神
我不能再这样下去了
我知道你不能像恋人般的爱我
我也知道你还是用以前的眼神看我
用你还是不认为我会改的眼神看我
我接受
因为
我愿意为你
而
你不怎么为我
但
你说我很重要
却
不曾表现我到底对你几重要
你说用心
而当我每次用心做自己
却被你残忍的拒绝
而为你我迷失了自己
剩下的伤口自己舔
自己疗
我问心无愧
我希望你也是
＃用手机打的语录

(◕‿◕✿)

If you reading this
Please
Go to your email and find the private video I send you
Or
Open up the folder that I put the private video inside

Please
Go to your Dropbox
I dropped latest documents in there
And
There is plenty for you to read

And last
I'm Sorry if I getting you annoyed
But hey
Annoyed until you dead
Is hard to do okay?
It is a hurting, no paid, no allowance, sleepless night, emotional fuck up, personality become psychopath, sociopaths, friends disappointed me, body reject to eat, body only need alcohol to numb the pain, creative mind become useless mind, DRY, only write negative stuff, want to commit suicide, asking friend to funeral, maybe sing on my funeral or dress pink in my funeral and etc.

IT JUST FUCK UP INNER THINKING HOW TO ANNOY YOU THE MOST 🙂🙂🙂

I glad you sign me up as your SOULMATE 😏😏😏

2017一月新点滴

掰 2016， 嗨 2017 

刚开始的2017 给了我不错的开始

第一次去新加坡 赢了竞标赛

第一次在决赛扮演着救世主的角色

第一次连救两粒点球

带着复杂又开心的心情

那此时此刻想与你分享

活在21世纪的好处是 要是忘了谁人的样子

网络的发达随时能找到他们的照片

有时候不小心游览到你的照片

偷偷的看了一下 确保自己依然有心跳

然后继续生活着 确保下次我们见面时 彼此是不同的人

我知道这样对你的缠绕 是非常非常不健康

偶尔梦见你 偶尔一些事情令我想起我们

偶尔对我朋友说我依然对你有些感觉

那些放不下的感觉 很想放下 但它们就是趁你没准备时 袭击你的心脏

我说啊 给自己多一些时间 认识多一些人

但心底还是有个位置 你希望那个人可以在那里

到最后 希望对方 安好

不打扰的祝福 就足够了

**我希望能在新年前给你半年前你叫我做的东西

是出了些问题 但我会详细的在里面告诉你**

End of 2016

Before I sleep
I going to note down something
Something happened in my dream yesterday
I guess is was secondary school reunion
I saw you
We walk through each other and I say "HI"
But you snub me off

The rest I can't remember
The moment you pass through me like a stranger
My sight went black and my mind fall into a rabbit hole
I open my eyes and woke up
The end is like a jump scare, sudden attack

Believe or not
I try to live a better life now
A life that keeps remind me
You are not coming back anymore
I'm just a stranger to your future and your past

Someday, I walk past through familiar roads or streets
Hope that I might met you
But only the memories bring you back to me
Good old memories
And it only stays there for eternity

I still miss you and I will always miss you

Oh ya
Remember the STAR WARS: The Force Awaken?
We watch together?
There was an old lady inside they called General? But she actually a royalty?
General Leia /Princess Leia the actress (Carrie Fisher) she passed away today
I guess the end of 2016 kinda sucks.

Some update might end here

Hey

How are you?

I wanted to abandon this place 

But seem like after all this time

I still back 

You will expect I will no longer update most of my status here

"When you live long enough, you'll learn wiser and keep all the secret along in your heart."

Maybe this said by someone else, maybe no, but these are my inner thought. 

My friend, you see, the point is, you, live until now, what do you achieve? 

To be honest, I did achieve something in my life, and I proud of it. 

If the grade is given of my life, the only subject I going to fail is the relationship. 

Despite I watched so many TV series, I feel like what they said is totally reflect on me. 

Filtration? I am sure can do it anytime to a girl. Well as long as the girl doesn't feel weird. 

You know what? 

In future time I might really forget all of the blogging stuff. 

Twitter is the only way I put my emotion on.

I just can't imagine that I going to put this all behind

Secret

Lies

Betrayer 

All you need to learn and live with it

I am secret and lies, haven't reach betrayer. 

I hope someday I will 

or maybe not

Since in future society, there are no longer trust and real. 

If the person care enough 

or claim enough that 

you are one of the important people in their lives 

they will do something 

even the tiniest thing that you will notice 

That's what I told myself every night before I sleep. 

留

我不希望就这样就失去写东西给你的能力
对于我上一段恋情（也就是6年前）也因为遇见你而停止写关于她的东西
那能力消失在遇见你后

但现在情况不同了
我说能力会消失不是因为我找到了另一半
而真的因为你给我的磨练
是你让我了解怎样承受自己心痛
虽然说你让我了解
但大部分的时间 是我多想 自虐自己的心
也因为你
让我了解 我想要的另一半要是怎样的一个人

你的脾气
我从来都不觉得很难附和
反而可以让我更加警惕自己
明白我只能更努力把自己变得更好

在你决定把我分割到我痊愈的时间里
有时候梦见你 然后惊醒 只差没有呐喊
很辛苦
知道现实没有了你
知道再怎么做都没办法去感动你
知道我从来不值得你去爱
然后梦见的是我们相爱的画面
惊醒后 我笑了 然后心几乎是崩溃边缘

那几个礼拜
我几乎是迷茫
偶尔听Whatsapp里你留下的声音
和我说话的 骂我的 只要是你的声音都好

你曾说
“你们不可能失去我，因为最后离开的是你们。”
后来
是你离开我
是我逼到你离开我
到最后原来我还是你最特别的那一个

我真的有很多要写 很多要说
给你读 给你听
当你读到这里
记得
我的信箱
我的电话
没有封你
有空 有事 没事 想打就打
别犹豫

那英 默

忍不住化身一条固执的鱼
逆着洋流独自游到底
年少时候虔诚发过的誓
沉默地沉没在深海里
重温几次
结局还是 失去你

我被爱判处终身孤寂
不还手 不放手
笔下画不完的圆
心间填不满的缘
是你
为何爱判处众生孤寂
挣不脱 逃不过
眉头解不开的结
命中解不开的劫
是你
啊 失去你
啊 我失去你

我不是不想去做些什么
而是
你有你的自由，你的选择
我只是给意见，让你决定
在这里面
错的是我们只有做朋友的缘分
我很早就接受了这个结果
只是想不到
结局会是这样