The feeling I have now is like floating boat on the sea, I have nothing support to sail the boat, the boat drifting while the wind blows. Lying down on the deck, watching the night sky with full of star, it was beautiful. Imagine the farthest, brightest star have a castle on it, like a wonderland, flying with peter pan and tinker. When the night comes dark, the seaweed was glowing green under the sea. Suddenly whales swim by, it was try flattering with me, and it jump up and do a flip for me. The boat moving toward to unknown places, waiting me to discover.
The fantasy feeling I have it just came up my mind when you was upsetting, depressing. I just don't know why such a story I create think that it will comfort you. I just try, because I don't know. Things you love are always worth for trying to.
She was asking me having a night with her, and I say okay. Well, plan not go as smooth as I think, but still in control. On road, she tell me how you going to class, where she ate, where she sport. I'm glad, really, because I feel I'm getting know more about her. What she asking for that day I was doing of it, I'm pushing her to the limit she need to. She was suffering, although I wanna just letting her give up, but in time I'm feel like if I'm letting it, then what I promise to her that will be broken. Don't keep promises to a girl that you can't keep. I don't care others how they see me shouting at her, what I care is how far she'll go for it, that's the promise I made of her.
The night was totally spoiled. But having a spectacular movie with you enough for me. I'm glad because I was very grateful the time we have, we spend together, just both of us. I was sitting beside her bed, holding the wine glass, slowly tasting while self chatting with sleeping her. Wine are red, you are blue, things will change, become better you. It doesn't matter what I said that night, what matter is I can't even recognize her face in darkness. Tears come steaming down my face, because I can't recognize who are she, wanna touch her face, but I didn't. I can't tell what the feeling I have, I can't describe. Darkness corrupted us, night was long, I know she were tired, and I was getting drunk and head fall asleep in front of her bed and wondering maybe we was dreaming the same dream. Songs came up... ♫ Light will guide you home, and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you. ♫
The next day I woke, I was on my bed, and I was no idea how I getting to my bed. But more bother me is, her alarm was beeping. I off it, made more time for her to sleep. I pull the blanket to cover her leg. I didn't like a pervert stalking she while she was sleeping, and I was trying to sleep back because I'm tired too.
When I awake, I'm playing games, and what I'm saw her face is, like she having a bad dream yesterday night. Well, I mean not really a bad dream. She pick up a call, the face was getting serious, she not talking but listening. Phone hang up, I didn't ask who, because not my business too. So, later on she was rushing out and in, like trying to meet someone else. When she rushing out, I pick up her phone, I don't know the password, but I saw the notification is " have a message for you". Okay, that moment I realize it was him.
She came back, I see the face are similar to last time when she broke up with ex, that horrible moment. I know she are not good at all. Tears down, I'm not surprise because she still getting through it, but option are less for me to make she feel comfort, so I'm trying to let she talk about it, and if she don't want to is okay. Later on, she open mouth and we start chatting. We talk about one hour before heading to lunch.
Alright, we was rushing hour, no, I mean, they. She was with a friend going to somewhere, they have somethings to do and I don't know, what she going to do. Curious for me, but I didn't want to ask because things she want to share is her choices, I don't like forcing people. People are forcing her too much, and I'm not going to do that for she. Never. (p/s: Sometimes good for you but if you didn't take it, I still will force you, because you are such a stubborn girl also.)
Oh well, her friend catch up the train, but we didn't because she was empty credit for ticket. So, we took the next train. On train, we chat, I looking to her eyes more than usual. I can see that, she was suffering, tired, vulnerable, trying to tell me anythings she would, or maybe she was hiding the part that will break her heart down. I don't know, I just want to stay beside her before the time long gone.
Destination reach, I glad I'm with her to find the bus, if not she will be lost and missing. The bag I pass to her friend, she was rushing down with him, and I think maybe we'll having a hug before saying goodbye to each others, but time won't allow. Then I walking back to KTM station, I waiting the bus drove out and I wish I can see you at the bus. Thank god, I see her siting at the driver side that row. I call her, for last reminder I told she be careful out there.
The heart breaking moment, when I saw beside her will always have a guy came along, the guy if not having a good look, then is acting better then me, or having the time spending with her is more then I have. I was jealous, I admit. I'm self confidence enough for every things, but still losing the most precious spending times with she.
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No, if you were asking am I heart broken? Sadness? Depression? My answer is NO, and I was totally clear with that. My feelings are more like, heavy. The heaviness was combination of every negative feelings, but what overcomes it was the joyful moment that I having with her. When she talk about negative things, I will try to make her smile or made some joke with it. I just don't like seeing her always cry for him or him or him. Maybe I'm not on her side of position, I can't judge, I don't know what now she going through it, but I can do is, when you hungry I will bring you eat, when you wish I bring you travel , when you upset I bring you laugher, joyful moment. This what can I do, and what I'm only capable of.
I wish you can fly further, far far away here, you just like an angle to this world. People are try to love you, but not the ways you want to. Sometimes, the sword you bring along to protect the people you care, it also will hurt people too. So don't blame yourself every time you made out of decision. Every decision made, is a cross road in your life. What you made, you are creating your own fate and your own way to the future. Life is like a box of chocolate, you never knows what you'll get.
