Morning

Well, here I am. Again. I hope the last post I did anything stupid because by far what I concern I did post a title. It is 7.30am now, morning! I have something to confess about.

I going to stop everything of the girl I met earlier. Not because of feels or not suitable for each others or any reason you can think of. It's just I'm not ready yet. I feel like there is so much darkness inside me, and she is kind and pure heart that I can't taint. I can't just release my darkness into someone.

"In relationship, if you hesitate , then the answer is simple. Either you both not ready, or one of you doesn't love another enough."

Don't get me wrong, I'm still happy. I have friends that annoyed me so much, try to burn me into ground and much more. Relationship? I'm no ready.

By the way, it is really weird if I not mention it. So yesterday I got sleep early and I didn't check the phone. In my sleep, I dream about somewhere a house, you coming in after your Frisbee match. You look, taller than me I guess? We didn't have eyes contact and you just walk right pass through me. Then I awake. I get off bed at 7am. Check on phone and here it is, I saw your message. Nothing much just a link to Lazada. Weird. Really weird. FYI, I mean you is Ms. J here.

Happier

The song that recently that keep me playing at an emotional period

Ed Sheeran -- Happier

Talented artist, the lyric just write deep through my heart

For a long time, I feel like I never been myself

Until I met a girl recently

She

Is awesome, there are words I can't find to describe her

It just everything feels so right

Sometimes I discover we actually like the same stuff

And when I say same is that nerdy stuff

I just never met a girl that can differentiate DC comic and Marvel 

The more we talk the more I found we a lot in common

At the moment, I keep on review and alert myself

If I'm prepared or desperately jump into a relationship

The girl is interested 

But I afraid 

Because I'm not sure I ready to commit to another girl 

"God, please give me the strength." 

So, I told the girl I want to take it slow

She agreed

Because both of us hurt by those so call "TAKERS" in relationship

After that conversation, she confess to me that she still think about "HIM"

But I never told her that I still hold on Ms.J

Or told her anything about Ms.J stories

Because I want to start new, start fresh, left all old scar behind like nothing

5 years for a girl, I think I'm fair to say, there was no progress

I don't blame her, I just blame myself I can't give her feelings that fall in love with me

If the girl don't have the interest of you, there is nothing you can do to get her heart

If you do everything like I did to her and eventually she have feelings for you

Congrats, I wish and bless you both, because you are the lucky one

If not, please take your time move on and take every possibility to know every girl

I don't care you are flirt or being a jerk as long as you move on the girl who TAKES everything of you, including happiness

If you still can care for her, it's not a big deal, but REMEMBER REAL HARD, who you going to be when you care for her. As a friend? or as the person who loves her since the start.  

I can't believe I saying this 

But I did happier recently 

After I feel like happiness not going to fall on me anytime soon

But

I did feel happier to care for someone 

But hey

Once I confirm something 

I try to post her to tell my reader

OKAY?

Peace

哈！你就好咯！

哈！
没想到同一个时候有两个更新
我只是醉了
想写些东西
可能我傻了
以为能逃避这一切
才发现原来
逃避关于你
是多么的困难
对不起让你烦了
那么久了
我想我的对不起也没价值了
相同与我对你做的东西对你也没任何感觉了
筹备惊喜也只换来你的＂算到我会那么做＂的眼神
我不能再这样下去了
我知道你不能像恋人般的爱我
我也知道你还是用以前的眼神看我
用你还是不认为我会改的眼神看我
我接受
因为
我愿意为你
而
你不怎么为我
但
你说我很重要
却
不曾表现我到底对你几重要
你说用心
而当我每次用心做自己
却被你残忍的拒绝
而为你我迷失了自己
剩下的伤口自己舔
自己疗
我问心无愧
我希望你也是
＃用手机打的语录

(◕‿◕✿)

If you reading this
Please
Go to your email and find the private video I send you
Or
Open up the folder that I put the private video inside

Please
Go to your Dropbox
I dropped latest documents in there
And
There is plenty for you to read

And last
I'm Sorry if I getting you annoyed
But hey
Annoyed until you dead
Is hard to do okay?
It is a hurting, no paid, no allowance, sleepless night, emotional fuck up, personality become psychopath, sociopaths, friends disappointed me, body reject to eat, body only need alcohol to numb the pain, creative mind become useless mind, DRY, only write negative stuff, want to commit suicide, asking friend to funeral, maybe sing on my funeral or dress pink in my funeral and etc.

IT JUST FUCK UP INNER THINKING HOW TO ANNOY YOU THE MOST 🙂🙂🙂

I glad you sign me up as your SOULMATE 😏😏😏

2017一月新点滴

掰 2016， 嗨 2017 

刚开始的2017 给了我不错的开始

第一次去新加坡 赢了竞标赛

第一次在决赛扮演着救世主的角色

第一次连救两粒点球

带着复杂又开心的心情

那此时此刻想与你分享

活在21世纪的好处是 要是忘了谁人的样子

网络的发达随时能找到他们的照片

有时候不小心游览到你的照片

偷偷的看了一下 确保自己依然有心跳

然后继续生活着 确保下次我们见面时 彼此是不同的人

我知道这样对你的缠绕 是非常非常不健康

偶尔梦见你 偶尔一些事情令我想起我们

偶尔对我朋友说我依然对你有些感觉

那些放不下的感觉 很想放下 但它们就是趁你没准备时 袭击你的心脏

我说啊 给自己多一些时间 认识多一些人

但心底还是有个位置 你希望那个人可以在那里

到最后 希望对方 安好

不打扰的祝福 就足够了

**我希望能在新年前给你半年前你叫我做的东西

是出了些问题 但我会详细的在里面告诉你**

End of 2016

Before I sleep
I going to note down something
Something happened in my dream yesterday
I guess is was secondary school reunion
I saw you
We walk through each other and I say "HI"
But you snub me off

The rest I can't remember
The moment you pass through me like a stranger
My sight went black and my mind fall into a rabbit hole
I open my eyes and woke up
The end is like a jump scare, sudden attack

Believe or not
I try to live a better life now
A life that keeps remind me
You are not coming back anymore
I'm just a stranger to your future and your past

Someday, I walk past through familiar roads or streets
Hope that I might met you
But only the memories bring you back to me
Good old memories
And it only stays there for eternity

I still miss you and I will always miss you

Oh ya
Remember the STAR WARS: The Force Awaken?
We watch together?
There was an old lady inside they called General? But she actually a royalty?
General Leia /Princess Leia the actress (Carrie Fisher) she passed away today
I guess the end of 2016 kinda sucks.

Some update might end here

Hey

How are you?

I wanted to abandon this place 

But seem like after all this time

I still back 

You will expect I will no longer update most of my status here

"When you live long enough, you'll learn wiser and keep all the secret along in your heart."

Maybe this said by someone else, maybe no, but these are my inner thought. 

My friend, you see, the point is, you, live until now, what do you achieve? 

To be honest, I did achieve something in my life, and I proud of it. 

If the grade is given of my life, the only subject I going to fail is the relationship. 

Despite I watched so many TV series, I feel like what they said is totally reflect on me. 

Filtration? I am sure can do it anytime to a girl. Well as long as the girl doesn't feel weird. 

You know what? 

In future time I might really forget all of the blogging stuff. 

Twitter is the only way I put my emotion on.

I just can't imagine that I going to put this all behind

Secret

Lies

Betrayer 

All you need to learn and live with it

I am secret and lies, haven't reach betrayer. 

I hope someday I will 

or maybe not

Since in future society, there are no longer trust and real. 

If the person care enough 

or claim enough that 

you are one of the important people in their lives 

they will do something 

even the tiniest thing that you will notice 

That's what I told myself every night before I sleep. 

留

我不希望就这样就失去写东西给你的能力
对于我上一段恋情（也就是6年前）也因为遇见你而停止写关于她的东西
那能力消失在遇见你后

但现在情况不同了
我说能力会消失不是因为我找到了另一半
而真的因为你给我的磨练
是你让我了解怎样承受自己心痛
虽然说你让我了解
但大部分的时间 是我多想 自虐自己的心
也因为你
让我了解 我想要的另一半要是怎样的一个人

你的脾气
我从来都不觉得很难附和
反而可以让我更加警惕自己
明白我只能更努力把自己变得更好

在你决定把我分割到我痊愈的时间里
有时候梦见你 然后惊醒 只差没有呐喊
很辛苦
知道现实没有了你
知道再怎么做都没办法去感动你
知道我从来不值得你去爱
然后梦见的是我们相爱的画面
惊醒后 我笑了 然后心几乎是崩溃边缘

那几个礼拜
我几乎是迷茫
偶尔听Whatsapp里你留下的声音
和我说话的 骂我的 只要是你的声音都好

你曾说
“你们不可能失去我，因为最后离开的是你们。”
后来
是你离开我
是我逼到你离开我
到最后原来我还是你最特别的那一个

我真的有很多要写 很多要说
给你读 给你听
当你读到这里
记得
我的信箱
我的电话
没有封你
有空 有事 没事 想打就打
别犹豫

那英 默

忍不住化身一条固执的鱼
逆着洋流独自游到底
年少时候虔诚发过的誓
沉默地沉没在深海里
重温几次
结局还是 失去你

我被爱判处终身孤寂
不还手 不放手
笔下画不完的圆
心间填不满的缘
是你
为何爱判处众生孤寂
挣不脱 逃不过
眉头解不开的结
命中解不开的劫
是你
啊 失去你
啊 我失去你

我不是不想去做些什么
而是
你有你的自由，你的选择
我只是给意见，让你决定
在这里面
错的是我们只有做朋友的缘分
我很早就接受了这个结果
只是想不到
结局会是这样

You tell me

What happened?
Maybe this is the end?
I don't know.
You tell me.

What really happened exactly?
It is the apology not sincere enough?
Or the apology from me doesn't have value anymore?
I don't know.
You tell me.

I should apology on everything,
everything I done for you.
Because it never ends well,
never make you happy.
If it doesn't, I don't know.
You tell me.

I don't like assume anything anymore.
If you don't like it, I say no more;
If I don't like it, I will say I don't like it.
If I don't know,
I need you tell me.

I assume for the first time,
we actually last our friendship long enough survive a year.
Keep contact, for each others, hangout every weekends (if possible) and do something we both happy together.
And then I never felt afraid of losing you again, for the first time.

I trying to fix the printer,
I pull the ink out with no second thought,
next,
you rip my heart out with no second thought.

People you loved,
you may forgive, but not forgot,
even though the people may treat you bad.
People you loved,
they hurt you, but you tried to change them,
because you still think they will become better.


So, please tell me what I really want to know,
Do I ever hurt you, like the way they hurt you?


Like I promised you,
when I want to talk,
talk to you ONLY.
But seem, when I shared my thought,
you acted speechless.
I wonder did I said something wrong or right.

After all we been through,
YOU been through.
I don't want to become your anything,
I just want to be your side every time you need me.
As a person you always hope me become for you.
As a true friend of yours.

You like water

Powerful enough to drown me

Soft enough to cleanse me

Deep enough to save me