十秒鐘的時空

現在我知道你很希望有一台時光機
其實我也很想要有一台

某天晚上駕車回家
車子維持在六十左右
我在想，若我閉上眼睛十秒鐘再睜開
情況會變得怎樣？
我會車禍嗎？
我會死掉嗎？
我會活著嗎？

事實
我只是閉了五秒，然後就睜開了
眼前的一切還是一樣的
沒有變
車子只是從右邊滑向左邊當我在閉眼時

這種害怕和緊張的體驗
我的建議
你別亂來，真的很危險
不是每個人那麼容易面對生命結束的覺悟
我只是其中一個

昨天又忘了吃午餐
可能太忙吧
忙到真的連餓是什麼都不知道
希望自己的身體能繼續的撐着
不管是體能還是精神上

我在想
算你擁有了時光機
你也沒有那個膽量去修改這一切
因為
連環效應
能帶來的後果，不堪設想

我的建議？
若你們兩情相悅
請抱著你現在你愛的人
然後告訴他，妳多麼的愛他
別讓他猜疑
那只會讓他有一個機會去尋找另一個他覺得適合他的人
當他牽起另一個人的手時
就算有了時光機
記憶還是會永遠烙印在記憶裡
磨滅不去有一個曾經的事實

你怎樣能確定他是你的另一半？

只要你夠愛他
只要你真的夠愛他
你可以把你的世界
放在他的世界裡
縱容的
放縱的

因為那未知的前進時空
你們能創造一切屬於你們的東西
所以當你問怎樣去確定？
不能
因為這不是數學，物理，化學
這是愛
我們都在創造着愛。

Love.

It is 3 in the morning. Good thing is, I'm sober. I just want to write something.
This is something beyond my feelings.
I can't partially write it out. But I try my best.
Where the times goes?
Suddenly holidays gone.
After a week brake, I need to keep fighting everything in front of me.
Not because survival or having a good life ahead.
Is because of you.
Every single day I woke up, I think of you.
And I'm not saying those cheesy things or romantic things that some chapter you can found on movie.
What I saying is true, from bottom of my heart.
You said I should not too focus on one thing, like too focus on you.
But truth is, you are too big for me that I can't ignore.
For the first time, I was like, really found a purpose to love my life, to love what I have.
And I truly, originally love you.

I'm not perfect.
I really am.
I'm not cute or intelligent.
I'm not like those previous guys you have met before.
Not smart as he, or good looking as him.
And I never will became like them.
And I never will try to prove anything to became them.
And I telling you, I'm not afraid.
Because me is me.
If you can't love the original me that will surprise me.

Finally
I hope
The spark of us never disappear when this really going on.

She is the prettiest girl in this whole damn world.

I was so lucky. 

Soul Mates
I don't know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before—in another time, a different place—some other existence.

- Lang Leav

The Trip

Who cares top there have a beautiful view when you already have one beside you.



The Day 1

The trip day.
Phone message rang. I woke and read the message.
It was her, she said she will reach at 11am, so I speed up my schedule.
I was plan to reach airport early to welcome her at the train station but I'm late. Bus drive was arguing with boss and made me late.
On the road, it was peaceful, music was playing "Eternal Flame". Before reach, I text her for where to meet up and ate lunch together.
I was lost during find "Wendy" the place we should meet up. So I follow my instinct to find her. Lucky I did found her. She was walking around like a lost kid. I love hers backpack.

Well, I must say the next 3 hours before we fly, we are totally boring like hell. I really doesn't feel like want to mention yesterday was my birthday, but she somehow suddenly remember and wish me.
Thanks. I appreciate!
Our flight going to fly soon. Her monthly sick made her suffer. I have no idea but try to make her laugh or happier a bit. Well, my humor sense sometime can be very bad. Hahaha!

2 and 30 min flight, we haven't eat a thing since we meet up. So, I carving for food, I think she might too. I order a set meal and share with her. We reach Kota Kinabalu (KK) about 8pm and take the booked taxi to the place where we stay. We bought some snack in local store and hit the road. Lucky she sleep during the uphill drive. The moon so bright in the middle of the night sky.

After 2 hour drive, we reach. The weather there are cold and chilling. After thanks the taxi, lodge staff lead us to the room we staying. I checked the hot water and ask her shower first. Well, like people say when woman in period can be very "unstable" you better watch out what you say or do. She shout at me and ask why can I shower first? I was like -- What? But fine, so I go shower first.

She afraid of cold, plus in her period time, things can be go nasty. She can be very caprice. She request for bedtime story, I admit I didn't have a good voice, but I try to do my best. For the first time I read someone bedtime story, and I'm really tired, eyes half close when read out the story. I keep read until she seem like asleep. I close the light and slept with a distance.

The Day 2

The climb day.
Alarm woke me up, I wash up and gently woke her up. The day light is warmer than the night, but still chill. Heat is all we need. I fill some hot water into the hot water bag and lend to her. After both of us ready, we went for breakfast in the lodge.

An easy simple breakfast with a gorgeous girl. After finish, we check out and walk to the Kinabalu park. While we walk, we talk, we saw each other breath in cold.

All check, all paid, and prepared. We reach the Timpohon gate with transportation. The 6 km distance between Raba Rata and us. We didn't talk much while climbing and barely catch breath while climbing and the oxygen become more thin as we ascending. As we defy the earth gravity, the landscape more beautiful than I ever see in my life. She seem more afraid of height and keep worry how to climb down.

I like the sight of her back. I'm not sure does she like mine.

I never hold her hand before. When we climb, I can senses her fear of height as I doubt myself make a mistake to bring her here. The more she afraid, the more hard she hold my finger. That is true, my pity two finger and she hold with a cute way.

After 6 hours climb, we wait for feast. The food taste good, especially the lamb. Well, the meal really fill in our stomach hollow. I can't find our guide, she seem tired and need a rest, so I decide go find myself. 10 minutes walk to our dorm. I open the door, unload stuff, both of us sit on the bed and no one talk for minutes. It was a tiring climb. The water cold as ice water. Hot water for shower here it runs with solar heat system. The cold weather make her afraid to shower. Before I went to shower, I prepare a buck of hot water for her clean up. She asked does I feel tired to taking care a girl. Yeah, it was not easy to take care a girl, and also not easy to build up a relationship bond like we had. It never easy to take care a person, tire just temporary. 

HOT WATER!!! Here just like a winter country! Freaking cold and without heater. All we can use is hot water for warm up our body. Night fall down about 7pm. Both of us afraid of cold, so I decide a very old fashion way to keep warm, sleep on a same bed and do nothing but sleep ONLY. Both of us hard to sleep because of the cold weather. I sleep lightly through the night, sometimes open eyes to look at her. I fell in love the way she fall asleep. Slowly, I confess all the secret and feelings to her, now I have nothing to hide or keep away from her. Even though the biggest secret already relieve. She kept her silent all time, I'm not sure whether she asleep or listening, one thing I'm sure is, she did call my name while sleep.

The Day 3

The conquer day. 

I can't sleep well while she doesn't feel well, so I wake once the alarm rang. 

I went out room wash up and boil some hot water for her. Again, the temperature is killing me. I try to resist it because someone more afraid cold than I am. A brilliant idea pop out my mind suddenly, what if I can let she brush and wash in the room. A bowl, a cup and hot water. After done her wash up, I went down to the lobby and get some food. I feed myself as well and pack some toast for her. When I return, I gave her the warm toast and she ate blessed. I knew the next journey would be more hard for her, and me. 

It was 2am in the morning, woods cover by ice, temperature and oxygen more low when we climb. She starting feeling unwell. Maybe is her lung I guess, we rest few times. Until the junction of use rope to climb, her heart was pumping. I told her, she can do this. I believe she can conquer the mountain and the fear of height. She took the rope and start climb, one step to the another. At the start of the second rope, she look at her right side, it was a beautiful view at the same time her leg can't move up. She decide to give up after she climb more than half way of the Kinabalu Mountain before today. I cover her back while she slowly descending from the rope climb. 

I took her to a safer place and sit. She shrink and holding her leg, just like a little girl just get a shock from something scary. Her tear fall from eyes, she snoring and keep on rub her nose. It feels hurt when I saw that. So, I hug and comfort her. When she told me she want to keep on but I refuse let her. I know up there, have a view that rest of our life maybe can't see it again. I really want to climb but at the same time I can't leave her behind. Choices can be so fragile. I willing give up the view for her. Who cares top there have a beautiful view when you already have one beside you.

We head back the place we stay. Prepare hot water. Yeah, hot water again. It really need hot water whole time when lack of heating stuff at this temperature. She lie down the bed, waiting the sun rise up. I can see, she blame herself because can't make it to the peak. All I wish is she can enjoy but not scared. Both of us slept at the first dawn. 

Pack and load. It's really freezing and I need to take care of her. Although I'm not anyone very special for her, but now I want to think what I can do for her rather than other else. Maybe this the only and the only last time we had each other together do something like this. 

After breakfast, we start descending from the mountain. We walk, we talk, we laugh, we share, we help each other. Those beautiful moment are too many that I just can remember fragment. When we walk pass the Timpohon gate, feels like we just came back from hellish. Suddenly she say she miss it back there. I wonder. 

Lucky for us after finish climb, we found a ride to the city central. We enjoy the remaining moment we had in the park and continue travel the next destination. 2 hours ride can be very tire, she slept on the road, her soft little head lie on my shoulder, and I lie on her head. 

We reach city about 4.30pm. Driver drop us at wrong place, so we need take taxi to the place we stay the night. This time she shower first, so I saw the bed was so mess up, I put her stuff in order to let her easier pack and I try to clean up and keep my mind clear for planning. 

We staving and find for food. I never thought about the place will be so far away from the city. She mad at me because I found a place with hard to find food. I want to argue but it won't help. So, I decide go the nearest restaurant eat up some. Both of us was so mad to each other. I can't make decision when in emotional situation. We stop by MAMAK stalk, order drinks. She just say one sentences while I'm waiting my MAGGI goreng plus teluk mata.

"You came far away just for eat MAMAK?!" 

That moment I realize how wrong I am. 

This is so wrong. While waiting food come, I search on internet and try to find some clue of seafood. The food and drink haven't finish, I paid and leave. We walk down the road, I hope maybe have a chance to get a taxi. I swear, for a second, I afraid she won't follow me and walk back straight to the hotel. End up, we found a taxi and ask for places to eat cheap seafood and he bring us to the place that he recommend.

I'm so sorry that I let her almost fade out because for starve. 

The next is just lovely couple eating feast of seafood.

Till the night, we pack and ready to sleep. There is an hour, I leave the room, I guess she never know where I had been. 

The Day 4

The return day. 

Rough night for me, but I still need to hang on until the end. 

I woke her up and wash up. Time is rushing. I having a headache that morning. Maybe the rough night I can't sleep well. I'm really tired. I can sleep anywhere. I can't talk with consciousness to her. I hug her backpack and slept on it. She walk everywhere in the airport that I too tired to follow. Just an eyes sight to her, then slowly I fell asleep. 

The next thing I know is we flying at the middle of the sky. 

The middle thing I know is she hungry, but I'm not. She ate and fall asleep. 

The last thing I know is flight almost landing and I eat the chicken rice that she left some. 

Still, I love the sight of her back. She always knew I would catch up her sooner or later, so she keep going on herself. I'll follow where she go, like a shadow. 

The last walk until the terminal,I can't walk in with her. We say goodbye.
I know, there something changed between us. I don't know, just a feelings that would never come back.

Rest well.

La Fin

Perk of Being Wallflower.

The woman I loved, she doesn't love me like I loved her.
The woman I loved, she never remember my birthday like I remembered hers.
The woman I loved, she never notice what I did for her.
The woman I loved, she flirt with someone else while I waiting her reply.
The woman I loved, she doesn't love me, but I protected her, and betray my friends.
The woman I loved, she let off all the anger to me and I always stay cool.
The woman I loved, she doesn't did a single thing to me, but I love her anyway.
The woman I loved, she ask for help, and I never know how to reject.
The woman I loved, she cry for desperate, I might be the last one she ever know to find.
The woman I loved, she know a lot, experience a lot, so better than me.
The woman I loved, she always afraid to make choice, even choosing a relationship.
The woman I loved, she is complicated, and I'm too simple for her.
The woman I loved, she love those always can accompany her, but I'm not.
The woman I loved, she love those people who can create a lot of memory with her, but I'm not.
The woman I loved, she always compliment people who treat her good.
The woman I loved, she always can find someone else until no one but me.
The woman I loved, she took my heart, no intention crush into pieces, but already shattered.
The woman I loved, she never know in middle of the night, I cried alone and fell asleep.
The woman I loved, she thinks I'm not gentle, but I'm trying my best.
The woman I loved, she don't accept my gentle offer, but I try my best anyway.
The woman I loved, she point out a lot of stupidness of me, but I love her anyway.
The woman I loved, she will never love me, in romantic way.
Neither God nor attraction law will help, it just because some bond meant to be "Just Friend", "Friend Till Die", "Best Friend Froever", "Friendzone".
That relationship grey zone, you never know what happen next.

Hide

As I look at her, her eyes and tone are meant what she said.

Past few weeks ago, we talk about like a lot. Things are more simple then I ever imagine about. When she talks, I knew every words she said is truth, at least that moment she can't lies about feelings. I tried to stand by her side of view, tried not to be judgemental or a jerk. I stare at her as she talking all about the mess she been through, it was... well I just can't say a thing, not a single, because I'm not her, all those decision she make had already made, so what I do is keep my opinion inside for myself and give her a smile. And my ears are all hers. 

I doing good recently, build up my body so that can carry a person while climbing a mountain. But those fat are not going to lose me if I not control eat and burn it. About she, I hope she also well prepare, if not I going to carry her up to the mountain and non-negotiable for her. I'm carrying her up! 

All those story she told, some I can respond, some I wanted to, but instead of telling her, I rather keep it to myself, because I know she won't listen. Stubborn head! 

What I can do is a simple smile, for her. The last thing before I left, or we end our little meet up, I really need her to remember my smile. Just my smile. 

As I told her those birthday card I made and those hundred stars I fold for her. She said I never gift her before. Neither last year or previous years. Last hangout I told her I did, but she never received my gift before. Her voice are so sure about that. So, she ask when? I just smile away. 

Yeah. I did once for her. And she broke my heart. 

For the card and stars I made

Please hide away from her, so that she'll never find out.

Paper Girl

I wonder.

I wonder how it will going be.

I wonder what your mind thinking?

You just like Margo Roth Spiegelman.

When I think about you, I always think the back of your head.

I picture cracking your lovely skull, unspooling your brain, trying to get answers.

You may say all those movie I watched or the book I read,

I might in too deep about the character and make compare with you.

Truth is, there are some element inside of you that I can make imagine. 

If not, why all those movie entitle "This is based a true story" then will be a good movie? 

I think because all those real life experience, so I will make compare and imagine always.

So, Margo is a special one, until now who I can think of in my real life Margo, is you.

Why you? 

1. She always think sometimes people are fake, she said those are paper people.

2. She is a good planner and a dare devil.

3. She want to disappear and not to be found, start real fresh. 

You could say:"That not even like me."

But this is how I imagine what you like.

I can imagine what you look like, but never quite perfectly.

Because people are people, you can't force them to do or look what you want them look like.

我還是我

首先，每當我上部落格寫東西前，我都會逐個去閱讀我有跟隨的人。由於本人最近太多戲看而且有新書，加上也沒什麼感情或事蹟可以寫。基本上，部落格漸漸被遺忘了。而且我總是喜歡深夜的時候才寫東西，比較有感覺。

首先，先回复我讀了一個人的部落格，來一個很簡單的總結。三八。沒有別的意思，就覺得，很三八。別把我的三八的意思看成貶義，可能正正相反。

最近發現，我也很愛一次過，用一口氣講完我想講的東西，同時也很愛諷刺別人，雖然是沒有心。觀察與思考是我的最愛，哪怕我的思考會遲鈍些。

讓我想想我還有什麼缺點？

很煩人算是不是缺點？某些時候我真的覺得我自己很煩，聆聽太多人的故事，做一個聆聽者太久了，可是卻找不到一個聆聽者，挺傷心的。所以可能在談話中，我說了很多很奇怪的話，或者是無端端跳話題。可能我的腦袋不像別人那樣，我總是喜歡跳話題，跳着說話題比較有趣還有挑戰。怪卡一個。

對事情期望太高，我覺得期望高不是問題，問題是期望高到不會變通才是問題。同時我很驕傲去看待一件自己覺得很不起眼，別人卻很緊張的事情，簡稱，興趣，不屑。明明就很簡單的解決，問題是什麼大家都很清楚，但就是害怕一些很不相關的問題。告訴你，你先把當下的問題解決，未來問題再一一的想辦法，我們只有這個時刻，下個時刻發生的事留給下個時刻。對於感情事，理智去分析別人的問題，給了解決方式。最討厭的是：對方卻退縮，告訴你害怕去實行，顧慮許多。啊啊啊啊啊啊！想到這裡，我快發瘋了！因為我不只是為一個人提供“咨訊顧問”。

好心忠告：若你打算一刀兩斷，那幹嘛還顧慮那麼多？廢話一堆！

大家都說，長痛不如短痛？其實我覺得錯了，其實沒有短痛，只有長痛。

好，我自認我有點混蛋。是真的，可能覺得我怎麼罵也罵不走的人，才是對我真，最了解我的人，同時也是我最愛的人。

在還沒結束之前，謝謝你帶回來的巧克力，還有一個讓我很吃驚的禮物，高粱酒，還是特級版。真的沒想到你會送我那麼特別的禮物。

Lost Star

It was another rough night for me. The mind was so clear that made me stay awake. I don't know why, I wish I can fell asleep, just escape this world just for few hours. So, I decide open my blogger read HER blog and write some new update as well. Sometimes, I wish God just tell us the reason, made life easier to live through, but world not a grand wishing factory. 

Life, we all searching for meaning, the purpose of living. Life can taste many ways, bitter, sour or sweet. I remember once SHE asked, "Why so pain? Why so those memory give the unbearable pain?" Today I just found the answer from HER favorite movie. "Because the love was real. "

But are we all lost star. Trying to light up in the dark. But don't you dare, let our best memories bring you sorrow.Turn the page, maybe we'll find a brand new ending. 

I know I acting strange and being a jerk lately. I'm sorry, I wish I can came out with some better apologize ways, so next time when we meet, don't ask me what I apologize for. But I promise you one thing that I always promise for, never leave you alone. 

Hope every step we taken, made us stronger and better.

The champion that I won, I want to share this honor with you 

（妳）的一面

我在想，貶值的道歉不值得原諒

以為，我的太容易道歉

我的道歉總是處在與貶值的狀態

可能我太了解每個人，造成我知道我可以諷刺到哪一個程度

所以當我遇見你（熟人）我會諷刺一番

某天

你問我得不得空，我想想，其實時間是可以擠的

只要我願意陪

我可以載你上山下海

從玻璃市到柔佛州，我都願意，問題是，你願意陪我嗎？

其實後來你說有朋友要來，我都OKAY的

直到你說可能會有變數

直到你說，其實你可以不必來

我火大了

如果是這樣，你早早就勸我別來了，好好讀書

當我說來的時候，你就應該繼續勸

可是你沒，好的

然後在，你來喜歡臨時就該改你的計劃

然後每一次的變數都是要我一個人去承擔

我真的很討厭你突然說有變數

因為那會讓我想起一切有的沒得

那，我寧願不去

我只是想兩個朋友

沒有人干擾

兩個中華生

認識彼此多年

時間久了

想要敘敘舊

那我會很開心

但當我答應了來，我全天時間都是你的，你卻說：”可能有變數，其實你可以不必來”

我當時就是

OKAY不必去了

少我一個，多我一個

你也會好好的

可能遇見有比我更理智更好會時常陪著你的人

關於精神上的東西

不是我能解釋

也不是每一個女孩都了解

你總會有變數，而且是臨時性的變數

讓我很混亂，很頭疼，很不爽

或許某人喜歡你這樣

或許他們能應付你這樣的習慣

他們應付得來

但

不是我

因為在我印象中，你是一個很獨立的女孩

你真的不比任何照顧，也可以應付一切難題的女孩

我生氣的不是你突然改變計劃

而是你總是最後一分鐘

才告訴我突然臨時改變計劃

這點我真的很討厭

你一就是說“不必來”

二就是說“來吧”

然後我答應了你就別亂亂臨時改變計劃

然後告訴我說：“其實你可以不必來”

因為你給的傷害，你給的痛

我醉了，累了也不能入睡

我總是不放棄你，原因是

你是我最好的異性朋友，也是經歷最多的朋友

我能怪的不是你，而是我總是不能在你身旁支持你

鼓勵你

而不是為了得到你的心

我總是告訴我自己一定要堅強過你

因為這樣才能把你從深淵裡拉出來

看來

一切的一切

都是我的幻想

那麼多次了我從KAJANG到TMN WHAYU都覺得

然後跑向你家

你的性命重要過我的
原來的是我的幻想與執著

用一句你能概括你的想法裡的一句話

“我從來就沒叫你們要為我犧牲你的一切”

你沒錯

錯是錯在我們都選擇相信你善良的一面。

重生

人，到底分幾個层次？
那麼人的危機意識在哪一层？
生存意志？
情感與理智分辨？
看不見關於你自己的設定
你怎樣知道，怎樣去改變？

一些本來你很拿手的事情變成你最糟糕的噩夢時
在自信受打擊的情況下，如何去扭轉當下的局面？

可能你開始做些事情能令你慢慢回复自信心
反复的做，信心回來了，事情會做得更好
但有些東西不除根，它隨時會復發

每當在球場上，我總會猶豫不決
其實不是猶豫不決，而是信心受打擊的情況下
我的判斷讓我選擇了最壞的情況
出擊慢，反應慢，躲在裡面，發呆
恐懼變成了我最大的敵人

我在想，假設能讓一個人的自信心完完全全被擊垮
那麼他的自信心會不會重新開始？
若你要復活，你必須先死去
復活後是重生。