Some new years

Sometime

Life just hits you

and they dare to say 

lightning never strikes twice

Just after two months

My other half mom

Left the world

The feelings of losing someone

It just hit again

Then 

We fell into a mess

We're all in a mess

We grasp so hard but it slips through so easily

I'm so mentally drained and tired

I told myself maybe all this

All this is a test

You know eventually

someone close to you'll leave

But you chose to ignore

because you know that not going to happen at the moment

Until

It happens

Then my love and I

We hit the lowest point of our life

I guess

We didn't properly manage our communication 

There comes our biggest argument since we knew each other

I guess

I always tried to avoid any conflict

or anything things that I'm really not confident of

But this had to change

and I trying

Hope the next update will be a fruitful and joyful ones

See ya

Fear

I never understood the actual fear

Until

Someone close to you 

Left

Without a sign

I guess

I'm too afraid to face it

It's been 

Two months

Since mom left

23 September

Date I couldn't forget

Father been grieving in his own way

Brother tried stepping up his game 

Sister same old same but I just hope

She will better than me, future

It's not easy for the pass few months

I been trying to be strong

Keep it together

Mentally prepare for anything

But

It's not enough

Some day I just told myself

Or worst lie to myself

That everything going be alright

Which not

I'm over stress

For everything

Mom

I just hope

Your afterlife

Got a better family

At this point

 At this point

You wonder how many failures you have been

Failure just another reason you get back up to your game

Life is like a game

Either you get cheat code on start

or you build from start

But you'll never too late

At the modern age

When you start to compare yourself to others

Means you desire

Desire something

Something more

Pursuit that goal is something next to your mind

But never

Ever

Defy your heart

Your origin idealism

 

Too much recent update to update

Hey

You

Yes

Is you

Don't turn away yet

Seem like 4 of June I update once

Sorry too much of myself?

Recently I discover

The inevitable

Wake

Work

Eat

Sleep

If I want, drunk maybe

But I don't like the drunk version of myself

But again

I enjoy it

At this hour

I should sleeping

But with alcohol

I was wide awake

Look at my top right 

A Window

It might tell me

If Sun is coming up

I'm alright if you ask me

I should sleep

But sometime

Thought

Purpose

Issue and solution 

Prevented my sleeping

Sometimes

I can sleep like Hypnos

Maybe too much of Hades (A game consist Greek mythology I recently get addicted about)

But anyway

I should sleep

If so, why you update the blog?

Maybe I just like to write stuff that I didn't show in front of people

Even my closest friend or family

Maybe when drunk it really can show myself

But until then

I keep all this to myself

Goodnight world.

停留

4年前
似乎大家的博客最后更新
都停留在4年前
而自己接近2年没写了
说好“封”博客呢？

但还是爱写
还是回到了这里

这些年

说不出的蜕变
说不出的感慨
说不出的当下

回想2012年
那是8年前
刚中学毕业的自己
依然爱写博客
舒坦自己的情感

因为在这里
才能真正的释放自己的情绪
奔放自己

为什么将近2年没写
因为
找到了自己的情感磁铁
真心感谢博客那些年的感情抒发

然而我依然心系这博客
好吧
以后
至少一年更新一次吧
虽然没人读
但
至少是自己的心历

问自己

生活与理想
接近了吗？
不然但需加倍努力

美好？
瞳景

幸福？
依然

成长？
每天

难得的假期+更新

Hi! 

你好

对不起

相隔6个月的更新

希望你时不时等待我可能的更新

这六个月

我都过得很好

酒喝少了

哈哈

这个事实

现在想更新也是因为明天（其实是今天）对我来说是一个假期

加上喝了一些威士忌

听着The Killers 的音乐

很有感觉   就想更新了

若是让她知道我那么迟睡觉   又要被骂了

今年的MCFA坐板凳了

或许我真的往后退了很多步

或许像她说的   我的重心不再是足球

当家里都过得去的时候

足球是我唯一能逃避一切的出路

现在   家里差不多都依赖着我   加上弟弟的不争气

我真的无可奈何

好在我一直都是省吃俭用

超级会忍一切的诱惑

加上不爱花钱

我现在能体会什么叫以家庭为先的感觉

当你有所有诱惑在等待着你时

你知道   唯有放下诱惑  才能拯救他们

当你非常清楚自己是一个

对自己人爱的人心很软的人

你唯有妥协

一切

所有的一切

只为帮助他们

牺牲自己

25年

我觉得我有资格说自己怎样的一个人

我知道

牺牲这个词

对我自己不陌生

因为

任何必须牺牲自我的情况下

我都会找一个原因

让自己的牺牲是为了更好的未来

这是为自己洗脑

也是让自己好过一些

4点了

刚和妈妈谈了家里的状况

然后威士忌还不够   我决定加注

和妈妈谈了

发现

我必须加倍努力

去争取更好的职位

我会说职位是因为

有一个导师曾说过  “让自己增值  等于让自己的薪水增值”

而我选择 相信  知识等于财富

简单的工作日   并不能带来增值

唯有突破自己的极限才能有更好的未来

我希望那天我能看到

妈妈不再负债  看到她要的东西我能买给她

爸爸能任意花钱他想要的东西

而我能不顾虑就买我想要的东西

我真的希望有一天 我能做到这样

25了

25许多人都开始筹钱买屋子了

而我才开始做工

我从来都不相信什么第一桶金

因为我觉得那是愚蠢的目标

为了钱而设的目标

而

现在的我

时常载一些队友

一些乳臭未干的小朋友

让我的觉得

这是对感恩的人的回报

当你受恩惠

你想把你感受的恩惠传到下一个人

你不知道这个会不会成功

但你只会对自己说

当你有能力

你就尽力

问心无愧

那是最好的答案

睡觉吧

5点了

等下还有MCFA的比赛

休息然后再战

意外

有些意外

不说不说

就成了历史，过去

凌晨3点01分

开始写我的接近一年后的部落格

刚从Langkawi旅行回来

一个总结来说

这个旅行 比起以前

开心很多

虽然

喝的酒比较少

但

开拓视野的旅程变多

一直都希望和家人一起开拓新的视野

着旅行圆了梦

照片未能及时洗出来因为技术上的问题

不过我都打算放一些可以看的到insta

但突然想写不是因为这个

而是因为

去年那个时候

我决定不再追逐

自己一直深爱却不被爱的人

我不怪她

怪就怪

有本事喜欢别人 没本事让人喜欢你

我希望 那一年 这一年 她都安好

虽然我们没常联络

但

真心希望她能很好

过去

我说过的话

我给的承诺

我们对彼此的期待

我们给对方的承诺

对我而言

是一种成长

对你又是怎样的体验呢？

我想知道

可是

每当我们见面时

彼此都带着一些不想让对方知道的面具

隐瞒

深怕因为说了而给对方留下能判断自己印象

而毁了自己的形象

然而

当我们再一次见面时

彼此都有了心上人

可能

一直以来

我只想安定且找一个能和我疯狂的人

而我找到了

而你

而你

我忘了

去完全爱你的感觉是怎样的

完全去猜测和感受你的情况

是怎样的

我忘了

该怎么去感受

你

该怎么去观察

你

而你的感情

我希望你能找到你的

不再乱

不再慌

只求你拥有简单的幸福

你想要的爱情

的确

无可否认

那些年

我爱过你

深深的爱过你

但

说白了

自己一厢情愿

现在

虽不爱

但

心底总还是会有你

可能这个就是别人说的

真的深深爱过的烙印

而这个烙印

不疼反而珍惜

谢谢有了这段经历

才知道怎样对待接下来的感情

现在3点59分

写完

睡觉

几时再更新

我真的不知道

你就别等

因为

我开始往前跑了

巴士站

那天 出门时天气很好 带着睡意的我去上课 到站 头低着下火车 上阶梯 然后下阶梯时看见一个很熟悉的书包 吊饰 装扮 背影 是她

就那么一刹那 我的心跳的很快 很快 在过票站时 我故意站在她的后面

然后自己纠结了几秒 才跟她说 hi 那时 她往身旁的铁板撞了一下 看着我

“诶？” 她惊讶地看着我
“嗨。怎么你在这里？” 我问
“ 你跟踪我啊？”
“嗯，是咯。”
“你的课不是在很迟才有吗？”
“嗯，不过我想早来。那你怎样去学校？搭巴士？”

其实我知道她来这里的目的
“诶，这里怎样搭巴士的？” 她说
“走咯，一起搭巴士咯。” 我说
“唔 不了 我有朋友来载我。”

我没有想就直接知道是谁的问她
“哦？谁？Joshua？” 我问
“嗯”
“哦 好吧。”
“那你要一起做车吗？”

我迟疑了一下说：“好啊。”
然后我们还是没有什么眼神交集
可是我看着她
她 依然是那么的 漂亮 能让我 的心从每分钟80跳下 用3秒时间 直上每分钟120下
此时此刻 我感觉 自己又要开始陷入一种循环

然后我对她说：“唔 我觉得我还是去等巴士比较好 你在这里等他吧。”
“怎么了？ 一起啦 没关系的”
“不了 我去等巴士吧。”
“为什么你要弄到那么Awkward？那么尴尬？” 她心里急着的问
“啊？什么尴尬？没有啊。就 我不想打扰你们俩。” 我说
“好啦 好啦 你走 你走 不要回来” 她 生气的说

不知道是我多心还是什么的 我看见她好像要哭了
之后我挥挥手 然后往巴士站等巴士
坐在巴士站的我整个人心跳很快 脸都青了 我上了巴士 手还在抖 不知道为什么

那个你喜欢的人 你拼了命追了5年 和你一起经历很多的人 她视为你是她很重要的人 你也视她为生命里 其中一个很重要的人 就 她对你说 “尴尬” 你不会觉得奇怪吗？

如果是以前的我 我会答应 然后一起做车 我会基本上会为她做任何事情 而且是200%的卖力和成果  现在的我 真的不确定了 毕竟 从那一刻 我对她许下承诺 答应她 我在也不会有对她 拥有任何想发展更进一步的关系后 感觉我变得不是 以前的那个自己

那天我们的见面后的30分钟 天空就下起雨
我问自己
你还在乎吗？
你还爱她吗？
我看见的 全是自己点头的影像

Morning

Well, here I am. Again. I hope the last post I did anything stupid because by far what I concern I did post a title. It is 7.30am now, morning! I have something to confess about.

I going to stop everything of the girl I met earlier. Not because of feels or not suitable for each others or any reason you can think of. It's just I'm not ready yet. I feel like there is so much darkness inside me, and she is kind and pure heart that I can't taint. I can't just release my darkness into someone.

"In relationship, if you hesitate , then the answer is simple. Either you both not ready, or one of you doesn't love another enough."

Don't get me wrong, I'm still happy. I have friends that annoyed me so much, try to burn me into ground and much more. Relationship? I'm no ready.

By the way, it is really weird if I not mention it. So yesterday I got sleep early and I didn't check the phone. In my sleep, I dream about somewhere a house, you coming in after your Frisbee match. You look, taller than me I guess? We didn't have eyes contact and you just walk right pass through me. Then I awake. I get off bed at 7am. Check on phone and here it is, I saw your message. Nothing much just a link to Lazada. Weird. Really weird. FYI, I mean you is Ms. J here.

Happier

The song that recently that keep me playing at an emotional period

Ed Sheeran -- Happier

Talented artist, the lyric just write deep through my heart

For a long time, I feel like I never been myself

Until I met a girl recently

She

Is awesome, there are words I can't find to describe her

It just everything feels so right

Sometimes I discover we actually like the same stuff

And when I say same is that nerdy stuff

I just never met a girl that can differentiate DC comic and Marvel 

The more we talk the more I found we a lot in common

At the moment, I keep on review and alert myself

If I'm prepared or desperately jump into a relationship

The girl is interested 

But I afraid 

Because I'm not sure I ready to commit to another girl 

"God, please give me the strength." 

So, I told the girl I want to take it slow

She agreed

Because both of us hurt by those so call "TAKERS" in relationship

After that conversation, she confess to me that she still think about "HIM"

But I never told her that I still hold on Ms.J

Or told her anything about Ms.J stories

Because I want to start new, start fresh, left all old scar behind like nothing

5 years for a girl, I think I'm fair to say, there was no progress

I don't blame her, I just blame myself I can't give her feelings that fall in love with me

If the girl don't have the interest of you, there is nothing you can do to get her heart

If you do everything like I did to her and eventually she have feelings for you

Congrats, I wish and bless you both, because you are the lucky one

If not, please take your time move on and take every possibility to know every girl

I don't care you are flirt or being a jerk as long as you move on the girl who TAKES everything of you, including happiness

If you still can care for her, it's not a big deal, but REMEMBER REAL HARD, who you going to be when you care for her. As a friend? or as the person who loves her since the start.  

I can't believe I saying this 

But I did happier recently 

After I feel like happiness not going to fall on me anytime soon

But

I did feel happier to care for someone 

But hey

Once I confirm something 

I try to post her to tell my reader

OKAY?

Peace