End of 2016

Before I sleep
I going to note down something
Something happened in my dream yesterday
I guess is was secondary school reunion
I saw you
We walk through each other and I say "HI"
But you snub me off

The rest I can't remember
The moment you pass through me like a stranger
My sight went black and my mind fall into a rabbit hole
I open my eyes and woke up
The end is like a jump scare, sudden attack

Believe or not
I try to live a better life now
A life that keeps remind me
You are not coming back anymore
I'm just a stranger to your future and your past

Someday, I walk past through familiar roads or streets
Hope that I might met you
But only the memories bring you back to me
Good old memories
And it only stays there for eternity

I still miss you and I will always miss you

Oh ya
Remember the STAR WARS: The Force Awaken?
We watch together?
There was an old lady inside they called General? But she actually a royalty?
General Leia /Princess Leia the actress (Carrie Fisher) she passed away today
I guess the end of 2016 kinda sucks.

Some update might end here

Hey

How are you?

I wanted to abandon this place 

But seem like after all this time

I still back 

You will expect I will no longer update most of my status here

"When you live long enough, you'll learn wiser and keep all the secret along in your heart."

Maybe this said by someone else, maybe no, but these are my inner thought. 

My friend, you see, the point is, you, live until now, what do you achieve? 

To be honest, I did achieve something in my life, and I proud of it. 

If the grade is given of my life, the only subject I going to fail is the relationship. 

Despite I watched so many TV series, I feel like what they said is totally reflect on me. 

Filtration? I am sure can do it anytime to a girl. Well as long as the girl doesn't feel weird. 

You know what? 

In future time I might really forget all of the blogging stuff. 

Twitter is the only way I put my emotion on.

I just can't imagine that I going to put this all behind

Secret

Lies

Betrayer 

All you need to learn and live with it

I am secret and lies, haven't reach betrayer. 

I hope someday I will 

or maybe not

Since in future society, there are no longer trust and real. 

If the person care enough 

or claim enough that 

you are one of the important people in their lives 

they will do something 

even the tiniest thing that you will notice 

That's what I told myself every night before I sleep. 

留

我不希望就这样就失去写东西给你的能力
对于我上一段恋情（也就是6年前）也因为遇见你而停止写关于她的东西
那能力消失在遇见你后

但现在情况不同了
我说能力会消失不是因为我找到了另一半
而真的因为你给我的磨练
是你让我了解怎样承受自己心痛
虽然说你让我了解
但大部分的时间 是我多想 自虐自己的心
也因为你
让我了解 我想要的另一半要是怎样的一个人

你的脾气
我从来都不觉得很难附和
反而可以让我更加警惕自己
明白我只能更努力把自己变得更好

在你决定把我分割到我痊愈的时间里
有时候梦见你 然后惊醒 只差没有呐喊
很辛苦
知道现实没有了你
知道再怎么做都没办法去感动你
知道我从来不值得你去爱
然后梦见的是我们相爱的画面
惊醒后 我笑了 然后心几乎是崩溃边缘

那几个礼拜
我几乎是迷茫
偶尔听Whatsapp里你留下的声音
和我说话的 骂我的 只要是你的声音都好

你曾说
“你们不可能失去我，因为最后离开的是你们。”
后来
是你离开我
是我逼到你离开我
到最后原来我还是你最特别的那一个

我真的有很多要写 很多要说
给你读 给你听
当你读到这里
记得
我的信箱
我的电话
没有封你
有空 有事 没事 想打就打
别犹豫

那英 默

忍不住化身一条固执的鱼
逆着洋流独自游到底
年少时候虔诚发过的誓
沉默地沉没在深海里
重温几次
结局还是 失去你

我被爱判处终身孤寂
不还手 不放手
笔下画不完的圆
心间填不满的缘
是你
为何爱判处众生孤寂
挣不脱 逃不过
眉头解不开的结
命中解不开的劫
是你
啊 失去你
啊 我失去你

我不是不想去做些什么
而是
你有你的自由，你的选择
我只是给意见，让你决定
在这里面
错的是我们只有做朋友的缘分
我很早就接受了这个结果
只是想不到
结局会是这样

You tell me

What happened?
Maybe this is the end?
I don't know.
You tell me.

What really happened exactly?
It is the apology not sincere enough?
Or the apology from me doesn't have value anymore?
I don't know.
You tell me.

I should apology on everything,
everything I done for you.
Because it never ends well,
never make you happy.
If it doesn't, I don't know.
You tell me.

I don't like assume anything anymore.
If you don't like it, I say no more;
If I don't like it, I will say I don't like it.
If I don't know,
I need you tell me.

I assume for the first time,
we actually last our friendship long enough survive a year.
Keep contact, for each others, hangout every weekends (if possible) and do something we both happy together.
And then I never felt afraid of losing you again, for the first time.

I trying to fix the printer,
I pull the ink out with no second thought,
next,
you rip my heart out with no second thought.

People you loved,
you may forgive, but not forgot,
even though the people may treat you bad.
People you loved,
they hurt you, but you tried to change them,
because you still think they will become better.


So, please tell me what I really want to know,
Do I ever hurt you, like the way they hurt you?


Like I promised you,
when I want to talk,
talk to you ONLY.
But seem, when I shared my thought,
you acted speechless.
I wonder did I said something wrong or right.

After all we been through,
YOU been through.
I don't want to become your anything,
I just want to be your side every time you need me.
As a person you always hope me become for you.
As a true friend of yours.

You like water

Powerful enough to drown me

Soft enough to cleanse me

Deep enough to save me

How Will I Know

我不知道
这接下来
会如何

同样的
我还是回到这个地方写东西
同样的
我还是喜欢空行与分段写博客
同样的
我还是写自己不了解的心情
也同样的
写着同样男孩与女孩的故事

3 年了
接下来就第 4 年了
但
今年是特别的一年
至少我感觉我自己变了许多
我变了
她也变了
我们彼此变好了

而我越来越喜欢
她对我的方式
我不确定是我变了
还是她对我真的变了一种方式
有时候她对我的方式
会让我措手不及

她好喜欢她的房间
喜欢到不知道怎样形容
其实就如
我好想把我现在的心情
将它们全部写下
但不知道怎样形容

网上流传着一个
“当你用一种很特别的眼神看着你爱人”
那种眼神通常在她不知道的时候
我望着她
当她在专心吃东西的时候
当她在犹豫选择东西的时候
当她在说一些事情没看着我的时候
当她走在我的前面的时候
当我的眼神剩下全世界她一个人的时候
我明白为何那么久了
那么多次的伤害
那么多次的吵架
几次离别
我还是回来到她身边

原来爱
不是付出那么简单
不是会回报的过程
不是愿意留下来陪你的人
而是明白，体谅，包容，耐心与接受

她令我体会到了全部
而不是像看电影那样的去体会爱

我很喜欢现在的我们
我们能让彼此变得更好
若她把我变的更好
我也会时常鼓励她
就是那种当你爱一个人会想要她更好的一面

最近我对着西瓜为她下了一个誓言
“以后咱们俩的所有事情，不能对其他人说。”
“若食言，西瓜将会噩梦长眠。”
原本生气的她，笑了
还加了几条毒咒下去

有时候
她不相信我的话
但
我说的每一个字
都是认真的
然后
我很喜欢她否认我认真说的样子
有点可爱

读者
说真的
我不知道
这接下来
会如何
那些未知的因数
那些未知的打击
那些未知的路途
恐惧着我

我希望从这所有未知迷茫路途
看见她确定的明灯把我指向她

Dream #2

Last night I dream about you, again
It was a sweet one. Like we did try to make some effort for both of us.
It was night time, we walk on park, suddenly something across the sky, it was a meteor.
I saw you making wish, so do I.
You turn around and asked me what did I wish?
I write it down on a paper.
"I wish I can make you fall in love with me,"
You smile like a sunshine.
I asked you what did you wish?
"I don't want let you know. But why did you take your wish like this?" you said.
"Not every time we can see a meteor fly across the sky together, so I must make it count every time." I reply.

You say nothing, we walk back to the apartment that we live together.

就地如重游拍【更新隐藏】

其实重回这个地方，感觉陌生却又点熟悉。在这闭关的几个月里，我学会更加妥善的处理自己的情感。我真的希望我有很强烈黑暗人格，可是还是因为一些开心，温暖的事情影响了自己的情绪。尝试做一些自己觉得黑暗的事情，或是诱导人去做，结果我得到了我想要的答案。
一，我不可能会有完全黑暗的一面
二，我那黑暗的一面也只是诱导别人去做事情
三，即使内心再黑暗，我也会自己找到光

当自己内心的矛盾越来越强的时候，我只相信那黑暗的一面可以解决，也是我现在在对自己实行着。在我的经验里，我不相信自己光的那一面可以解决事情。
我不否认，我喜欢我自己黑暗的一面，这让我少了情感的烦恼，专注在手上的事情。胡思乱想的情感来袭，我也只能让它们躲在黑暗里，压抑着，好过丢人现眼的去诉说有的没得。

-----------------

有些秘密
我想写在这里
想告诉你
一些我真实的想法
『我不确定我们之间算什么或是我们以后将何去何从，我只知道你是我的一切而你永远都会是，你总是能带出另一半最好的我。』
『关于承诺，我对你答应过的承诺，就是永远永远不管我们怎样，我都不会抛下你不理』你不理。』