Sunday, April 09, 2017

巴士站

那天 出门时天气很好 带着睡意的我去上课 到站 头低着下火车 上阶梯 然后下阶梯时看见一个很熟悉的书包 吊饰 装扮 背影 是她

就那么一刹那 我的心跳的很快 很快 在过票站时 我故意站在她的后面

然后自己纠结了几秒 才跟她说 hi 那时 她往身旁的铁板撞了一下 看着我

“诶?” 她惊讶地看着我
“嗨。怎么你在这里?” 我问
“ 你跟踪我啊?”
“嗯,是咯。”
“你的课不是在很迟才有吗?”
“嗯,不过我想早来。那你怎样去学校?搭巴士?”

其实我知道她来这里的目的
“诶,这里怎样搭巴士的?” 她说
“走咯,一起搭巴士咯。” 我说
“唔 不了 我有朋友来载我。”

我没有想就直接知道是谁的问她
“哦?谁?Joshua?” 我问
“嗯”
“哦 好吧。”
“那你要一起做车吗?”

我迟疑了一下说:“好啊。”
然后我们还是没有什么眼神交集
可是我看着她
她 依然是那么的 漂亮 能让我 的心从每分钟80跳下 用3秒时间 直上每分钟120下
此时此刻 我感觉 自己又要开始陷入一种循环

然后我对她说:“唔 我觉得我还是去等巴士比较好 你在这里等他吧。”
“怎么了? 一起啦 没关系的”
“不了 我去等巴士吧。”
“为什么你要弄到那么Awkward?那么尴尬?” 她心里急着的问
“啊?什么尴尬?没有啊。就 我不想打扰你们俩。” 我说
“好啦 好啦 你走 你走 不要回来” 她 生气的说

不知道是我多心还是什么的 我看见她好像要哭了
之后我挥挥手 然后往巴士站等巴士
坐在巴士站的我整个人心跳很快 脸都青了 我上了巴士 手还在抖 不知道为什么

那个你喜欢的人 你拼了命追了5年 和你一起经历很多的人 她视为你是她很重要的人 你也视她为生命里 其中一个很重要的人 就 她对你说 “尴尬” 你不会觉得奇怪吗?

如果是以前的我 我会答应 然后一起做车 我会基本上会为她做任何事情 而且是200%的卖力和成果  现在的我 真的不确定了 毕竟 从那一刻 我对她许下承诺 答应她 我在也不会有对她 拥有任何想发展更进一步的关系后 感觉我变得不是 以前的那个自己

那天我们的见面后的30分钟 天空就下起雨
我问自己
你还在乎吗?
你还爱她吗?
我看见的 全是自己点头的影像

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Morning

Well, here I am. Again. I hope the last post I did anything stupid because by far what I concern I did post a title. It is 7.30am now, morning! I have something to confess about.

I going to stop everything of the girl I met earlier. Not because of feels or not suitable for each others or any reason you can think of. It's just I'm not ready yet. I feel like there is so much darkness inside me, and she is kind and pure heart that I can't taint. I can't just release my darkness into someone.

"In relationship, if you hesitate , then the answer is simple. Either you both not ready, or one of you doesn't love another enough."

Don't get me wrong, I'm still happy. I have friends that annoyed me so much, try to burn me into ground and much more. Relationship? I'm no ready.

By the way, it is really weird if I not mention it. So yesterday I got sleep early and I didn't check the phone. In my sleep, I dream about somewhere a house, you coming in after your Frisbee match. You look, taller than me I guess? We didn't have eyes contact and you just walk right pass through me. Then I awake. I get off bed at 7am. Check on phone and here it is, I saw your message. Nothing much just a link to Lazada. Weird. Really weird. FYI, I mean you is Ms. J here.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Happier

The song that recently that keep me playing at an emotional period
Ed Sheeran -- Happier
Talented artist, the lyric just write deep through my heart
For a long time, I feel like I never been myself
Until I met a girl recently
She
Is awesome, there are words I can't find to describe her
It just everything feels so right
Sometimes I discover we actually like the same stuff
And when I say same is that nerdy stuff
I just never met a girl that can differentiate DC comic and Marvel 
The more we talk the more I found we a lot in common

At the moment, I keep on review and alert myself
If I'm prepared or desperately jump into a relationship
The girl is interested 
But I afraid 
Because I'm not sure I ready to commit to another girl 
"God, please give me the strength." 
So, I told the girl I want to take it slow
She agreed
Because both of us hurt by those so call "TAKERS" in relationship
After that conversation, she confess to me that she still think about "HIM"
But I never told her that I still hold on Ms.J
Or told her anything about Ms.J stories
Because I want to start new, start fresh, left all old scar behind like nothing

5 years for a girl, I think I'm fair to say, there was no progress
I don't blame her, I just blame myself I can't give her feelings that fall in love with me
If the girl don't have the interest of you, there is nothing you can do to get her heart
If you do everything like I did to her and eventually she have feelings for you
Congrats, I wish and bless you both, because you are the lucky one
If not, please take your time move on and take every possibility to know every girl

I don't care you are flirt or being a jerk as long as you move on the girl who TAKES everything of you, including happiness

If you still can care for her, it's not a big deal, but REMEMBER REAL HARD, who you going to be when you care for her. As a friend? or as the person who loves her since the start.  

I can't believe I saying this 
But I did happier recently 
After I feel like happiness not going to fall on me anytime soon
But
I did feel happier to care for someone 

But hey
Once I confirm something 
I try to post her to tell my reader
OKAY?
Peace

Thursday, February 23, 2017

哈!你就好咯!

哈!
没想到同一个时候有两个更新
我只是醉了
想写些东西
可能我傻了
以为能逃避这一切
才发现原来
逃避关于你
是多么的困难
对不起让你烦了
那么久了
我想我的对不起也没价值了
相同与我对你做的东西对你也没任何感觉了
筹备惊喜也只换来你的"算到我会那么做"的眼神
我不能再这样下去了
我知道你不能像恋人般的爱我
我也知道你还是用以前的眼神看我
用你还是不认为我会改的眼神看我
我接受
因为
我愿意为你

你不怎么为我

你说我很重要

不曾表现我到底对你几重要
你说用心
而当我每次用心做自己
却被你残忍的拒绝
而为你我迷失了自己
剩下的伤口自己舔
自己疗
我问心无愧
我希望你也是
#用手机打的语录


Wednesday, February 22, 2017

(◕‿◕✿)

If you reading this
Please
Go to your email and find the private video I send you
Or
Open up the folder that I put the private video inside

Please
Go to your Dropbox
I dropped latest documents in there
And
There is plenty for you to read

And last
I'm Sorry if I getting you annoyed
But hey
Annoyed until you dead
Is hard to do okay?
It is a hurting, no paid, no allowance, sleepless night, emotional fuck up, personality become psychopath, sociopaths, friends disappointed me, body reject to eat, body only need alcohol to numb the pain, creative mind become useless mind, DRY, only write negative stuff, want to commit suicide, asking friend to funeral, maybe sing on my funeral or dress pink in my funeral and etc.

IT JUST FUCK UP INNER THINKING HOW TO ANNOY YOU THE MOST 🙂🙂🙂

I glad you sign me up as your SOULMATE 😏😏😏

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

2017一月新点滴

掰 2016, 嗨 2017 
刚开始的2017 给了我不错的开始
第一次去新加坡 赢了竞标赛
第一次在决赛扮演着救世主的角色
第一次连救两粒点球
带着复杂又开心的心情
那此时此刻想与你分享

活在21世纪的好处是 要是忘了谁人的样子
网络的发达随时能找到他们的照片
有时候不小心游览到你的照片
偷偷的看了一下 确保自己依然有心跳
然后继续生活着 确保下次我们见面时 彼此是不同的人

我知道这样对你的缠绕 是非常非常不健康
偶尔梦见你 偶尔一些事情令我想起我们
偶尔对我朋友说我依然对你有些感觉
那些放不下的感觉 很想放下 但它们就是趁你没准备时 袭击你的心脏
我说啊 给自己多一些时间 认识多一些人
但心底还是有个位置 你希望那个人可以在那里
到最后 希望对方 安好
不打扰的祝福 就足够了

**我希望能在新年前给你半年前你叫我做的东西
是出了些问题 但我会详细的在里面告诉你**

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

End of 2016

Before I sleep
I going to note down something
Something happened in my dream yesterday
I guess is was secondary school reunion
I saw you
We walk through each other and I say "HI"
But you snub me off

The rest I can't remember
The moment you pass through me like a stranger
My sight went black and my mind fall into a rabbit hole
I open my eyes and woke up
The end is like a jump scare, sudden attack

Believe or not
I try to live a better life now
A life that keeps remind me
You are not coming back anymore
I'm just a stranger to your future and your past

Someday, I walk past through familiar roads or streets
Hope that I might met you
But only the memories bring you back to me
Good old memories
And it only stays there for eternity

I still miss you and I will always miss you

Oh ya
Remember the STAR WARS: The Force Awaken?
We watch together?
There was an old lady inside they called General? But she actually a royalty?
General Leia /Princess Leia the actress (Carrie Fisher) she passed away today
I guess the end of 2016 kinda sucks.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Some update might end here

Hey
How are you?
I wanted to abandon this place 
But seem like after all this time
I still back 

You will expect I will no longer update most of my status here
"When you live long enough, you'll learn wiser and keep all the secret along in your heart."
Maybe this said by someone else, maybe no, but these are my inner thought. 

My friend, you see, the point is, you, live until now, what do you achieve? 
To be honest, I did achieve something in my life, and I proud of it. 
If the grade is given of my life, the only subject I going to fail is the relationship. 

Despite I watched so many TV series, I feel like what they said is totally reflect on me. 
Filtration? I am sure can do it anytime to a girl. Well as long as the girl doesn't feel weird. 

You know what? 
In future time I might really forget all of the blogging stuff. 
Twitter is the only way I put my emotion on.
I just can't imagine that I going to put this all behind

Secret
Lies
Betrayer 

All you need to learn and live with it
I am secret and lies, haven't reach betrayer. 
I hope someday I will 
or maybe not

Since in future society, there are no longer trust and real. 

If the person care enough 
or claim enough that 
you are one of the important people in their lives 
they will do something 
even the tiniest thing that you will notice 

That's what I told myself every night before I sleep. 



Saturday, October 01, 2016

我不希望就这样就失去写东西给你的能力
对于我上一段恋情(也就是6年前)也因为遇见你而停止写关于她的东西
那能力消失在遇见你后

但现在情况不同了
我说能力会消失不是因为我找到了另一半
而真的因为你给我的磨练
是你让我了解怎样承受自己心痛
虽然说你让我了解
但大部分的时间 是我多想 自虐自己的心
也因为你
让我了解 我想要的另一半要是怎样的一个人

你的脾气
我从来都不觉得很难附和
反而可以让我更加警惕自己
明白我只能更努力把自己变得更好

在你决定把我分割到我痊愈的时间里
有时候梦见你 然后惊醒 只差没有呐喊
很辛苦
知道现实没有了你
知道再怎么做都没办法去感动你
知道我从来不值得你去爱
然后梦见的是我们相爱的画面
惊醒后 我笑了 然后心几乎是崩溃边缘

那几个礼拜
我几乎是迷茫
偶尔听Whatsapp里你留下的声音
和我说话的 骂我的 只要是你的声音都好

你曾说
“你们不可能失去我,因为最后离开的是你们。”
后来
是你离开我
是我逼到你离开我
到最后原来我还是你最特别的那一个

我真的有很多要写 很多要说
给你读 给你听
当你读到这里
记得
我的信箱
我的电话
没有封你
有空 有事 没事 想打就打
别犹豫

Monday, August 29, 2016

那英 默

忍不住化身一条固执的鱼
逆着洋流独自游到底
年少时候虔诚发过的誓
沉默地沉没在深海里
重温几次
结局还是 失去你

我被爱判处终身孤寂
不还手 不放手
笔下画不完的圆
心间填不满的缘
是你
为何爱判处众生孤寂
挣不脱 逃不过
眉头解不开的结
命中解不开的劫
是你
啊 失去你
啊 我失去你


我不是不想去做些什么
而是
你有你的自由,你的选择
我只是给意见,让你决定
在这里面
错的是我们只有做朋友的缘分
我很早就接受了这个结果
只是想不到
结局会是这样