Friday, August 03, 2018

难得的假期+更新

Hi! 
你好

对不起
相隔6个月的更新
希望你时不时等待我可能的更新
这六个月
我都过得很好
酒喝少了
哈哈
这个事实
现在想更新也是因为明天(其实是今天)对我来说是一个假期
加上喝了一些威士忌
听着The Killers 的音乐
很有感觉   就想更新了
若是让她知道我那么迟睡觉   又要被骂了

今年的MCFA坐板凳了
或许我真的往后退了很多步
或许像她说的   我的重心不再是足球
当家里都过得去的时候
足球是我唯一能逃避一切的出路
现在   家里差不多都依赖着我   加上弟弟的不争气
我真的无可奈何
好在我一直都是省吃俭用
超级会忍一切的诱惑
加上不爱花钱

我现在能体会什么叫以家庭为先的感觉
当你有所有诱惑在等待着你时
你知道   唯有放下诱惑  才能拯救他们
当你非常清楚自己是一个
对自己人爱的人心很软的人
你唯有妥协
一切
所有的一切
只为帮助他们
牺牲自己

25年
我觉得我有资格说自己怎样的一个人
我知道
牺牲这个词
对我自己不陌生
因为
任何必须牺牲自我的情况下
我都会找一个原因
让自己的牺牲是为了更好的未来
这是为自己洗脑
也是让自己好过一些

4点了
刚和妈妈谈了家里的状况
然后威士忌还不够   我决定加注

和妈妈谈了
发现
我必须加倍努力
去争取更好的职位
我会说职位是因为
有一个导师曾说过  “让自己增值  等于让自己的薪水增值”
而我选择 相信  知识等于财富
简单的工作日   并不能带来增值
唯有突破自己的极限才能有更好的未来
我希望那天我能看到

妈妈不再负债  看到她要的东西我能买给她
爸爸能任意花钱他想要的东西
而我能不顾虑就买我想要的东西
我真的希望有一天 我能做到这样

25了
25许多人都开始筹钱买屋子了
而我才开始做工
我从来都不相信什么第一桶金
因为我觉得那是愚蠢的目标
为了钱而设的目标

现在的我
时常载一些队友
一些乳臭未干的小朋友
让我的觉得
这是对感恩的人的回报
当你受恩惠
你想把你感受的恩惠传到下一个人
你不知道这个会不会成功
但你只会对自己说
当你有能力
你就尽力
问心无愧
那是最好的答案

睡觉吧
5点了
等下还有MCFA的比赛
休息然后再战

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

意外

有些意外
不说不说
就成了历史,过去

凌晨3点01分
开始写我的接近一年后的部落格

刚从Langkawi旅行回来
一个总结来说
这个旅行 比起以前
开心很多
虽然
喝的酒比较少
开拓视野的旅程变多
一直都希望和家人一起开拓新的视野
着旅行圆了梦

照片未能及时洗出来因为技术上的问题
不过我都打算放一些可以看的到insta

但突然想写不是因为这个
而是因为
去年那个时候
我决定不再追逐
自己一直深爱却不被爱的人
我不怪她
怪就怪
有本事喜欢别人 没本事让人喜欢你
我希望 那一年 这一年 她都安好
虽然我们没常联络
真心希望她能很好

过去
我说过的话
我给的承诺
我们对彼此的期待
我们给对方的承诺

对我而言
是一种成长
对你又是怎样的体验呢?
我想知道

可是
每当我们见面时
彼此都带着一些不想让对方知道的面具
隐瞒
深怕因为说了而给对方留下能判断自己印象
而毁了自己的形象

然而
当我们再一次见面时
彼此都有了心上人

可能
一直以来
我只想安定且找一个能和我疯狂的人
而我找到了
而你

而你
我忘了
去完全爱你的感觉是怎样的
完全去猜测和感受你的情况
是怎样的
我忘了
该怎么去感受
该怎么去观察

而你的感情
我希望你能找到你的
不再乱
不再慌
只求你拥有简单的幸福
你想要的爱情

的确
无可否认
那些年
我爱过你
深深的爱过你
说白了
自己一厢情愿

现在
虽不爱
心底总还是会有你
可能这个就是别人说的
真的深深爱过的烙印
而这个烙印
不疼反而珍惜
谢谢有了这段经历
才知道怎样对待接下来的感情

现在3点59分
写完
睡觉
几时再更新
我真的不知道

你就别等
因为
我开始往前跑了


Sunday, April 09, 2017

巴士站

那天 出门时天气很好 带着睡意的我去上课 到站 头低着下火车 上阶梯 然后下阶梯时看见一个很熟悉的书包 吊饰 装扮 背影 是她

就那么一刹那 我的心跳的很快 很快 在过票站时 我故意站在她的后面

然后自己纠结了几秒 才跟她说 hi 那时 她往身旁的铁板撞了一下 看着我

“诶?” 她惊讶地看着我
“嗨。怎么你在这里?” 我问
“ 你跟踪我啊?”
“嗯,是咯。”
“你的课不是在很迟才有吗?”
“嗯,不过我想早来。那你怎样去学校?搭巴士?”

其实我知道她来这里的目的
“诶,这里怎样搭巴士的?” 她说
“走咯,一起搭巴士咯。” 我说
“唔 不了 我有朋友来载我。”

我没有想就直接知道是谁的问她
“哦?谁?Joshua?” 我问
“嗯”
“哦 好吧。”
“那你要一起做车吗?”

我迟疑了一下说:“好啊。”
然后我们还是没有什么眼神交集
可是我看着她
她 依然是那么的 漂亮 能让我 的心从每分钟80跳下 用3秒时间 直上每分钟120下
此时此刻 我感觉 自己又要开始陷入一种循环

然后我对她说:“唔 我觉得我还是去等巴士比较好 你在这里等他吧。”
“怎么了? 一起啦 没关系的”
“不了 我去等巴士吧。”
“为什么你要弄到那么Awkward?那么尴尬?” 她心里急着的问
“啊?什么尴尬?没有啊。就 我不想打扰你们俩。” 我说
“好啦 好啦 你走 你走 不要回来” 她 生气的说

不知道是我多心还是什么的 我看见她好像要哭了
之后我挥挥手 然后往巴士站等巴士
坐在巴士站的我整个人心跳很快 脸都青了 我上了巴士 手还在抖 不知道为什么

那个你喜欢的人 你拼了命追了5年 和你一起经历很多的人 她视为你是她很重要的人 你也视她为生命里 其中一个很重要的人 就 她对你说 “尴尬” 你不会觉得奇怪吗?

如果是以前的我 我会答应 然后一起做车 我会基本上会为她做任何事情 而且是200%的卖力和成果  现在的我 真的不确定了 毕竟 从那一刻 我对她许下承诺 答应她 我在也不会有对她 拥有任何想发展更进一步的关系后 感觉我变得不是 以前的那个自己

那天我们的见面后的30分钟 天空就下起雨
我问自己
你还在乎吗?
你还爱她吗?
我看见的 全是自己点头的影像

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Morning

Well, here I am. Again. I hope the last post I did anything stupid because by far what I concern I did post a title. It is 7.30am now, morning! I have something to confess about.

I going to stop everything of the girl I met earlier. Not because of feels or not suitable for each others or any reason you can think of. It's just I'm not ready yet. I feel like there is so much darkness inside me, and she is kind and pure heart that I can't taint. I can't just release my darkness into someone.

"In relationship, if you hesitate , then the answer is simple. Either you both not ready, or one of you doesn't love another enough."

Don't get me wrong, I'm still happy. I have friends that annoyed me so much, try to burn me into ground and much more. Relationship? I'm no ready.

By the way, it is really weird if I not mention it. So yesterday I got sleep early and I didn't check the phone. In my sleep, I dream about somewhere a house, you coming in after your Frisbee match. You look, taller than me I guess? We didn't have eyes contact and you just walk right pass through me. Then I awake. I get off bed at 7am. Check on phone and here it is, I saw your message. Nothing much just a link to Lazada. Weird. Really weird. FYI, I mean you is Ms. J here.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Happier

The song that recently that keep me playing at an emotional period
Ed Sheeran -- Happier
Talented artist, the lyric just write deep through my heart
For a long time, I feel like I never been myself
Until I met a girl recently
She
Is awesome, there are words I can't find to describe her
It just everything feels so right
Sometimes I discover we actually like the same stuff
And when I say same is that nerdy stuff
I just never met a girl that can differentiate DC comic and Marvel 
The more we talk the more I found we a lot in common

At the moment, I keep on review and alert myself
If I'm prepared or desperately jump into a relationship
The girl is interested 
But I afraid 
Because I'm not sure I ready to commit to another girl 
"God, please give me the strength." 
So, I told the girl I want to take it slow
She agreed
Because both of us hurt by those so call "TAKERS" in relationship
After that conversation, she confess to me that she still think about "HIM"
But I never told her that I still hold on Ms.J
Or told her anything about Ms.J stories
Because I want to start new, start fresh, left all old scar behind like nothing

5 years for a girl, I think I'm fair to say, there was no progress
I don't blame her, I just blame myself I can't give her feelings that fall in love with me
If the girl don't have the interest of you, there is nothing you can do to get her heart
If you do everything like I did to her and eventually she have feelings for you
Congrats, I wish and bless you both, because you are the lucky one
If not, please take your time move on and take every possibility to know every girl

I don't care you are flirt or being a jerk as long as you move on the girl who TAKES everything of you, including happiness

If you still can care for her, it's not a big deal, but REMEMBER REAL HARD, who you going to be when you care for her. As a friend? or as the person who loves her since the start.  

I can't believe I saying this 
But I did happier recently 
After I feel like happiness not going to fall on me anytime soon
But
I did feel happier to care for someone 

But hey
Once I confirm something 
I try to post her to tell my reader
OKAY?
Peace

Thursday, February 23, 2017

哈!你就好咯!

哈!
没想到同一个时候有两个更新
我只是醉了
想写些东西
可能我傻了
以为能逃避这一切
才发现原来
逃避关于你
是多么的困难
对不起让你烦了
那么久了
我想我的对不起也没价值了
相同与我对你做的东西对你也没任何感觉了
筹备惊喜也只换来你的"算到我会那么做"的眼神
我不能再这样下去了
我知道你不能像恋人般的爱我
我也知道你还是用以前的眼神看我
用你还是不认为我会改的眼神看我
我接受
因为
我愿意为你

你不怎么为我

你说我很重要

不曾表现我到底对你几重要
你说用心
而当我每次用心做自己
却被你残忍的拒绝
而为你我迷失了自己
剩下的伤口自己舔
自己疗
我问心无愧
我希望你也是
#用手机打的语录


Wednesday, February 22, 2017

(◕‿◕✿)

If you reading this
Please
Go to your email and find the private video I send you
Or
Open up the folder that I put the private video inside

Please
Go to your Dropbox
I dropped latest documents in there
And
There is plenty for you to read

And last
I'm Sorry if I getting you annoyed
But hey
Annoyed until you dead
Is hard to do okay?
It is a hurting, no paid, no allowance, sleepless night, emotional fuck up, personality become psychopath, sociopaths, friends disappointed me, body reject to eat, body only need alcohol to numb the pain, creative mind become useless mind, DRY, only write negative stuff, want to commit suicide, asking friend to funeral, maybe sing on my funeral or dress pink in my funeral and etc.

IT JUST FUCK UP INNER THINKING HOW TO ANNOY YOU THE MOST 🙂🙂🙂

I glad you sign me up as your SOULMATE 😏😏😏

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

2017一月新点滴

掰 2016, 嗨 2017 
刚开始的2017 给了我不错的开始
第一次去新加坡 赢了竞标赛
第一次在决赛扮演着救世主的角色
第一次连救两粒点球
带着复杂又开心的心情
那此时此刻想与你分享

活在21世纪的好处是 要是忘了谁人的样子
网络的发达随时能找到他们的照片
有时候不小心游览到你的照片
偷偷的看了一下 确保自己依然有心跳
然后继续生活着 确保下次我们见面时 彼此是不同的人

我知道这样对你的缠绕 是非常非常不健康
偶尔梦见你 偶尔一些事情令我想起我们
偶尔对我朋友说我依然对你有些感觉
那些放不下的感觉 很想放下 但它们就是趁你没准备时 袭击你的心脏
我说啊 给自己多一些时间 认识多一些人
但心底还是有个位置 你希望那个人可以在那里
到最后 希望对方 安好
不打扰的祝福 就足够了

**我希望能在新年前给你半年前你叫我做的东西
是出了些问题 但我会详细的在里面告诉你**

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

End of 2016

Before I sleep
I going to note down something
Something happened in my dream yesterday
I guess is was secondary school reunion
I saw you
We walk through each other and I say "HI"
But you snub me off

The rest I can't remember
The moment you pass through me like a stranger
My sight went black and my mind fall into a rabbit hole
I open my eyes and woke up
The end is like a jump scare, sudden attack

Believe or not
I try to live a better life now
A life that keeps remind me
You are not coming back anymore
I'm just a stranger to your future and your past

Someday, I walk past through familiar roads or streets
Hope that I might met you
But only the memories bring you back to me
Good old memories
And it only stays there for eternity

I still miss you and I will always miss you

Oh ya
Remember the STAR WARS: The Force Awaken?
We watch together?
There was an old lady inside they called General? But she actually a royalty?
General Leia /Princess Leia the actress (Carrie Fisher) she passed away today
I guess the end of 2016 kinda sucks.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Some update might end here

Hey
How are you?
I wanted to abandon this place 
But seem like after all this time
I still back 

You will expect I will no longer update most of my status here
"When you live long enough, you'll learn wiser and keep all the secret along in your heart."
Maybe this said by someone else, maybe no, but these are my inner thought. 

My friend, you see, the point is, you, live until now, what do you achieve? 
To be honest, I did achieve something in my life, and I proud of it. 
If the grade is given of my life, the only subject I going to fail is the relationship. 

Despite I watched so many TV series, I feel like what they said is totally reflect on me. 
Filtration? I am sure can do it anytime to a girl. Well as long as the girl doesn't feel weird. 

You know what? 
In future time I might really forget all of the blogging stuff. 
Twitter is the only way I put my emotion on.
I just can't imagine that I going to put this all behind

Secret
Lies
Betrayer 

All you need to learn and live with it
I am secret and lies, haven't reach betrayer. 
I hope someday I will 
or maybe not

Since in future society, there are no longer trust and real. 

If the person care enough 
or claim enough that 
you are one of the important people in their lives 
they will do something 
even the tiniest thing that you will notice 

That's what I told myself every night before I sleep.