巴士站

那天 出门时天气很好 带着睡意的我去上课 到站 头低着下火车 上阶梯 然后下阶梯时看见一个很熟悉的书包 吊饰 装扮 背影 是她

就那么一刹那 我的心跳的很快 很快 在过票站时 我故意站在她的后面

然后自己纠结了几秒 才跟她说 hi 那时 她往身旁的铁板撞了一下 看着我

“诶？” 她惊讶地看着我
“嗨。怎么你在这里？” 我问
“ 你跟踪我啊？”
“嗯，是咯。”
“你的课不是在很迟才有吗？”
“嗯，不过我想早来。那你怎样去学校？搭巴士？”

其实我知道她来这里的目的
“诶，这里怎样搭巴士的？” 她说
“走咯，一起搭巴士咯。” 我说
“唔 不了 我有朋友来载我。”

我没有想就直接知道是谁的问她
“哦？谁？Joshua？” 我问
“嗯”
“哦 好吧。”
“那你要一起做车吗？”

我迟疑了一下说：“好啊。”
然后我们还是没有什么眼神交集
可是我看着她
她 依然是那么的 漂亮 能让我 的心从每分钟80跳下 用3秒时间 直上每分钟120下
此时此刻 我感觉 自己又要开始陷入一种循环

然后我对她说：“唔 我觉得我还是去等巴士比较好 你在这里等他吧。”
“怎么了？ 一起啦 没关系的”
“不了 我去等巴士吧。”
“为什么你要弄到那么Awkward？那么尴尬？” 她心里急着的问
“啊？什么尴尬？没有啊。就 我不想打扰你们俩。” 我说
“好啦 好啦 你走 你走 不要回来” 她 生气的说

不知道是我多心还是什么的 我看见她好像要哭了
之后我挥挥手 然后往巴士站等巴士
坐在巴士站的我整个人心跳很快 脸都青了 我上了巴士 手还在抖 不知道为什么

那个你喜欢的人 你拼了命追了5年 和你一起经历很多的人 她视为你是她很重要的人 你也视她为生命里 其中一个很重要的人 就 她对你说 “尴尬” 你不会觉得奇怪吗？

如果是以前的我 我会答应 然后一起做车 我会基本上会为她做任何事情 而且是200%的卖力和成果  现在的我 真的不确定了 毕竟 从那一刻 我对她许下承诺 答应她 我在也不会有对她 拥有任何想发展更进一步的关系后 感觉我变得不是 以前的那个自己

那天我们的见面后的30分钟 天空就下起雨
我问自己
你还在乎吗？
你还爱她吗？
我看见的 全是自己点头的影像

Morning

Well, here I am. Again. I hope the last post I did anything stupid because by far what I concern I did post a title. It is 7.30am now, morning! I have something to confess about.

I going to stop everything of the girl I met earlier. Not because of feels or not suitable for each others or any reason you can think of. It's just I'm not ready yet. I feel like there is so much darkness inside me, and she is kind and pure heart that I can't taint. I can't just release my darkness into someone.

"In relationship, if you hesitate , then the answer is simple. Either you both not ready, or one of you doesn't love another enough."

Don't get me wrong, I'm still happy. I have friends that annoyed me so much, try to burn me into ground and much more. Relationship? I'm no ready.

By the way, it is really weird if I not mention it. So yesterday I got sleep early and I didn't check the phone. In my sleep, I dream about somewhere a house, you coming in after your Frisbee match. You look, taller than me I guess? We didn't have eyes contact and you just walk right pass through me. Then I awake. I get off bed at 7am. Check on phone and here it is, I saw your message. Nothing much just a link to Lazada. Weird. Really weird. FYI, I mean you is Ms. J here.

Happier

The song that recently that keep me playing at an emotional period

Ed Sheeran -- Happier

Talented artist, the lyric just write deep through my heart

For a long time, I feel like I never been myself

Until I met a girl recently

She

Is awesome, there are words I can't find to describe her

It just everything feels so right

Sometimes I discover we actually like the same stuff

And when I say same is that nerdy stuff

I just never met a girl that can differentiate DC comic and Marvel 

The more we talk the more I found we a lot in common

At the moment, I keep on review and alert myself

If I'm prepared or desperately jump into a relationship

The girl is interested 

But I afraid 

Because I'm not sure I ready to commit to another girl 

"God, please give me the strength." 

So, I told the girl I want to take it slow

She agreed

Because both of us hurt by those so call "TAKERS" in relationship

After that conversation, she confess to me that she still think about "HIM"

But I never told her that I still hold on Ms.J

Or told her anything about Ms.J stories

Because I want to start new, start fresh, left all old scar behind like nothing

5 years for a girl, I think I'm fair to say, there was no progress

I don't blame her, I just blame myself I can't give her feelings that fall in love with me

If the girl don't have the interest of you, there is nothing you can do to get her heart

If you do everything like I did to her and eventually she have feelings for you

Congrats, I wish and bless you both, because you are the lucky one

If not, please take your time move on and take every possibility to know every girl

I don't care you are flirt or being a jerk as long as you move on the girl who TAKES everything of you, including happiness

If you still can care for her, it's not a big deal, but REMEMBER REAL HARD, who you going to be when you care for her. As a friend? or as the person who loves her since the start.  

I can't believe I saying this 

But I did happier recently 

After I feel like happiness not going to fall on me anytime soon

But

I did feel happier to care for someone 

But hey

Once I confirm something 

I try to post her to tell my reader

OKAY?

Peace

哈！你就好咯！

哈！
没想到同一个时候有两个更新
我只是醉了
想写些东西
可能我傻了
以为能逃避这一切
才发现原来
逃避关于你
是多么的困难
对不起让你烦了
那么久了
我想我的对不起也没价值了
相同与我对你做的东西对你也没任何感觉了
筹备惊喜也只换来你的＂算到我会那么做＂的眼神
我不能再这样下去了
我知道你不能像恋人般的爱我
我也知道你还是用以前的眼神看我
用你还是不认为我会改的眼神看我
我接受
因为
我愿意为你
而
你不怎么为我
但
你说我很重要
却
不曾表现我到底对你几重要
你说用心
而当我每次用心做自己
却被你残忍的拒绝
而为你我迷失了自己
剩下的伤口自己舔
自己疗
我问心无愧
我希望你也是
＃用手机打的语录

(◕‿◕✿)

If you reading this
Please
Go to your email and find the private video I send you
Or
Open up the folder that I put the private video inside

Please
Go to your Dropbox
I dropped latest documents in there
And
There is plenty for you to read

And last
I'm Sorry if I getting you annoyed
But hey
Annoyed until you dead
Is hard to do okay?
It is a hurting, no paid, no allowance, sleepless night, emotional fuck up, personality become psychopath, sociopaths, friends disappointed me, body reject to eat, body only need alcohol to numb the pain, creative mind become useless mind, DRY, only write negative stuff, want to commit suicide, asking friend to funeral, maybe sing on my funeral or dress pink in my funeral and etc.

IT JUST FUCK UP INNER THINKING HOW TO ANNOY YOU THE MOST 🙂🙂🙂

I glad you sign me up as your SOULMATE 😏😏😏

2017一月新点滴

掰 2016， 嗨 2017 

刚开始的2017 给了我不错的开始

第一次去新加坡 赢了竞标赛

第一次在决赛扮演着救世主的角色

第一次连救两粒点球

带着复杂又开心的心情

那此时此刻想与你分享

活在21世纪的好处是 要是忘了谁人的样子

网络的发达随时能找到他们的照片

有时候不小心游览到你的照片

偷偷的看了一下 确保自己依然有心跳

然后继续生活着 确保下次我们见面时 彼此是不同的人

我知道这样对你的缠绕 是非常非常不健康

偶尔梦见你 偶尔一些事情令我想起我们

偶尔对我朋友说我依然对你有些感觉

那些放不下的感觉 很想放下 但它们就是趁你没准备时 袭击你的心脏

我说啊 给自己多一些时间 认识多一些人

但心底还是有个位置 你希望那个人可以在那里

到最后 希望对方 安好

不打扰的祝福 就足够了

**我希望能在新年前给你半年前你叫我做的东西

是出了些问题 但我会详细的在里面告诉你**