Lately, Recently

It is a harsh time for me now, maybe thing I said just easy for you but me, really messing up and lost.

Now I was trapping myself in a messy mind and heart. Once I thought I really fell in love again, and it was great. After realize there been always wasn't me or the one. Was a bit upset but I just keep lying myself that I could wait and wait until someone would notice all the things I done on one purpose, all I want is someone that I like or love can smile or laugh with me.

People say if you love someone enough, then he/she will love back, and until now, I haven't met one and so I believe it's a lie and a lie that keep giving people hope. I was consider a person who doing many things to people who I care, but the thing is I keep doing those things, I keep hurting myself. Think negative is tragic, but think positive is bring hope to people and thats require a lot of brave and responsibility. 

Lately, went lost, like a lamb lost in the mist. Everyday I wake up, feels like I just barely know myself.  I was trying to positive thinking, sometime it helps, but sometime I just become silent suddenly and even don't want to talk with others, wants to run away, push away all my friend, push away all the people who cares me, and I'm just afraid, afraid and afraid to face all those people.

Too silent, too lonely. I just don't know why.

I'm shutting myself down. REBOOT. 

Initializing...

December 2013 the end of the year, what would it will be?

I want to find back those I was lost one year time. Football life. 

I want to plan a secret things that all my friend and family don't know. When they find out, friend thinks me crazy, family will angry about me. 

I need a one-way trip, never regret. 

两次

找不到自己应该的位置
想找回昔日的感觉，却因为跨不过去的绊脚石给阻当了
我真的很喜欢当在自己很艰难的时候，咬紧牙给挺过去了
不管多么困难，当跨过去的那一刻，我是享受着的

感情，早已走出阴影
友情，跨越陌生地带
温情，明白成熟懂事
学业，努力不惜学习
业余，学习兴趣爱好

我试图压抑自己对你的感觉，因为觉得自己太容易喜欢上别人，到最后是自己的一厢情愿，活在自己的幻想世界里。

那一次的明恋，明白自己是多么的微小
那一次，才明白别人并感觉不到，自己在追求她
那一刻，发现自己，对一个充满信心与希望的感情，是多么的执着，直到跌入谷底，碰了钉，认知自己与对方的不可能，才深深的相信，自己已经早已被淘汰。
那一件事后，明白，对自己喜欢的人，存为保留，才能让自己有个台阶，在被淘汰时，可以下台。
而这一次，我明白，我们的缘分就到好朋友而已。

她们俩，有着同样的遭遇，同样的背景，同样的故事。
第一个，只相信自己能是那个能给希望她的。
第二个，相信自己是能呵护，明白，了解她的人。

你问我，我的选择？
我问你，能有第三个选择吗？

An unexpected person

Considering typing Chinese maybe you don't read it well, so I make it English for you.

Once, you told me about your life before I walked in. It was miserable, I can felt it. 

These day I know you have a hard time and I really know how it feels like, I really do. We barely knows each others, and I may not know how or what, but at least I hope I can be the one you can rely on.

I always want to see you smile when we meet or while chatting together.

Since we met at the moment I just want you be joy and happy, and when I can do something that can make you smile again and again I will keep doing that. It nothing about benefit or what, sometime it's just feelings. You just want the people you like that can smile with you.

In this stage, what I can do, and what I can't do, it was pretty clear in my mind. Stop and stare, waiting thing hows happen and always have prepare things when goes bad. I always do. But, before things be clear enough, I'll try, would you let me?

Just Another Love Story

The pain of my heart, since when I so easily wipe it off?

Or, I'm just a person who always giving myself an antidote before things happen?

"Do others things are more worst then now?" 

Told myself when having a hard time in life.

I do have a Spring season when I was 14. That memories, feels like a flower going to bloom. Damn for sure!

After Spring goes and leave me behind, Summer comes. 

Summer wind blow through my face, and I was thinking I finally can met someone in this summertime. 

But thing go dramatic then become summertime sadness.

Maybe been through so much during summertime, suddenly Autumn come and show up in my life, and light up my world like nobody else.

I guess there still have things need to work it out and I was putting some hope in this year Autumn. Hoping I can collect a maple leaf for my bookmark, and collect some wood to warm me up before cold Winter come.

I was thinking someday or maybe other time, we'll met under a maple tree, and we was so busying enjoying the view of Autumn maple leaf falling, and didn't notice each others. Suddenly, we turn around and see each others, both of us just standing there and smile to each others. 

We was making a small step in front ahead and another small step and another, and we together ran through this cover by full of maple leaf garden park and huge each others tightly. 

The story of us is not going to end like this and I know it, what I need to and have to do.  

  

梦的场景

这地方不时出现在我梦里，恶梦，美梦都会有这个地方
好想知道到底它对我有什么意义？
潜意识告诉我，可能有天我会来到这，但不知道是几时
别人说似曾相识，可是我很确定，某些事情，某个地方，某个看见的场景
是我梦到过的，一点不误的发生了
我不能告诉你，我梦见的几时会发生
但我知道它可能某天出现在我的生活里

你好

你好，

今天过得怎样？

这简单的开场白，我特别喜欢，简单容易表达

这就要谢谢一个远在英国读书的朋友因为他让我打开了封锁已久的心

你可能会想，这好白痴哦！对我而言，这可以把尴尬的语言变成拥有一个特别的对话

距离上一次的更新，有点久了，因为都在忙好多东西，而且现在也没什么感情牵挂，只是想顺其自然的发展下去。有了上一次的教训，这次学会如何应该拿捏了。

没有什么是命中注定的，什么真命天子，算了吧！就算给你遇到，若彼此不懂得适当的付出爱，那么换来的是一幕悲伤的结局。你可以主动出击，你可能会成功，也可能不会，一切在还未被选择的情况下，都是未知数。这一切的一切是源自于你所相信的，坚信的。

很开心的，我把我大学的 “处女作” 给了他们，一个不可能的三天，化为可能，这就是你坚信的力量吧！谢谢你们！（超GAY的那天，拿着白色玫瑰花乱乱走）

然后就是首映当天是不忍睹，实在太太太烂了！

因为良心过意不去，于是从新编排过，注入一些适当音乐，改改颜色温度，漂亮！

注意我的FB Timline 吧！差不多要上映了，呵呵！

妈妈告诉我，永远别错过最后一班车，和一个深爱你的人。

那天晚上真的是一个巧合，若我没问她，可能我们就此擦肩而过。

那晚，我很开心，我的决定是对的。

那晚，真的很值得，搭一个回程车陪你一起等火车。

那晚，多么希望我们能一起坐到终点站。

我想，剩下的就只是值不值得为她付出多一些了。

我想，剩下的就是顺其自然。

我想，剩下的要好好的珍惜每一天，与你一起的日子。

像我开始说的，我是属于主动出击的人。

最近，超超推荐的电影

（一些虽然是旧电影，但还挺有意思的）

500 Days of Summer 

Mr. Nobody

The Last Samurai

被偷走的那五年

激战

A Friendship Letter

Dear Junkid,

Once, there was a man who are always silent when people talking about popular things. But he'll find out himself what happen about those people conversation. He keep this silent until he know when he can get it into and makes conversation more interesting. I guess he have social phobia, but in a certain way, he was a main source of joy and happiness on the crowd. Why?

When I was 14 years old, I met him with a funny way. Year and year past by, I seem really not looking closely to him. 7 years, we met when the semester going to break, that was a short period for us and give me a very deep reminder. Times and times goes by, we seem just to met when football training. But I didn't notice that.

The last of the year comes, finally we meet in a certain ways. The way I didn't except too much. But, day by days goes by, our conversation become more fantastic, and it just not more than a conversation anymore. I just used to be find you when I online Facebook, I guess, your are the only friend that I chat most of the time, although I'm always be the stupid one in our conversation.

We just not met each other everyday, or hangout together, but somehow I seem quite feels like you not a stranger when I meet the real person of you. I guess you real as same as in the chat box you. Things those share to me, correct my spelling, have a fight on conversation, these are the reason I always love it when we have a chat.

In the meantime, you such as asshole while chatting with you. But I love it. Weird huh? But nevermind, is okay. I just hated people pretend their true speaking their mind, and in the end say I'm not good enough to know them well.

The truth is, I will fucking miss you, but also I'll not. Okay, I admit it, I really miss you if you not going to find me chat anymore.

So, these are the true mind speaking of me. Travel safe my dear. Come back at lease one a year you this asshole.

Love and Friend 

JinQuan

A little conversation to myself

Why do I start?

Why do I think?
Why do I stare?
Tell me.

I feels like wired and sometimes I don't understand myself any more. I feels like I'm transforming now, transform to another person I felt strange and unreadable. Social phobia? But I don't afraid of communicate with people I guess I'm lack of confident to talk to someone else with open heart. I was like, want to be a silent person more than talkative person, but at the moment, I wish to make myself in the conversation. 

How can you, so sure that you are really exist? Or you just a imagination of a small child of yourself? Every single path choices that you made is a right choice, even though it is a tragedy or bad ending. What does really matter is how you gonna live with it.

Once a wise man told me that I'm too greed to want all of the choices that given, that will makes you live like hell and can't getting a success career life. So, now I'm learn letting it go. Learn how to live without things. If worth, I fight for it. Sometimes, I saw it clearly that not mine, I tried, I fail, but at least a try, better than  do nothing.

Brave enough to travel the whole journey yourself ? or fear enough became a coward lock yourself alone and die without trying?

So, tell me, where we start? 

Social Life

When I will stop this? Try to stop typing all the things on here? This may be a threat for me in the future. At lease I think it that way. Because all my weaknesses are all on here. People can even study and try to strike me when I was weak. Maybe I was thinking too much, but considering all the possible, I took it seriously. I guess someday this place may shut down permanently.

I just can't imagine how cool heart I will be. Forgive me if I'm treating cool on you. I don't meant that.

Like I said, I have no friend at all in my entire high school life. Except those are really close to me. I can count that, JunKid, Machi, Coffee, Ah B, Kok Wai, Joan. I met people who knows me, but I don't know them at all. That pity for my social life. People will ask, do you make friend in the football club? I would say, not at all. In the club, people treat me well just because I'm like junior for them. Or maybe I'm not just good at conversation with a lot of people.

Recently, I find out, you can't trust anyone in your life, even your family, except yourself. I'm not talking those drama things that father lie to son, mother lie to daughter, boy friend lie to girl friend to keep a secret of truth. But sometimes drama things will come up your life, and make you feels like you in the drama. Good news is, you'll know what to do next, bad news is you'll think too much for it and killing yourself.

I hate lies, I don't even lie to my parent since I was 13, but irony, I good with lies. But when I don't lie to you please take it seriously, because you may be a part I never doubt for.

Past Is Just A Past Tense

Everybody chatting with their friend and change heart to heart to each others. Well, I mean my secondary high school friend. Seem like now only few of them, care about me and I truly care, although before that I care most of them, but now seem lost something. I guess, my new life just started. New place, new friend, new start. 

Once, I made a mistake. I mistake that nearly my friend. I was reviewing back the picture that I store in my phone between our memory, I felt, stranger. I began delete all of it, when I was selecting the picture, I realize there was a ME, that been fall in love to a person so much before. Lucky, I didn't expect too much, because I always knew but I don't want to admit it. Truth always cruel, but you need to face it. Those day I was living in hell.

And now, I started a new way to communicate with you, like best friend, like a family member. Normally, before that I was miss you like hell. But now, I'm already not the person use to be miss you so so so much, but sometimes will miss you, but base on friend and family feelings. People said, when you can't make a relationship with her, then finally she will become your "adopted" sister. Tell you, I don't care which relationship, or what position I in your heart, but I believe I'm the person you need, when you needed it.

Whatever past is past, leave it behind or become yourself as the lonely sad person that always trap in the past memory.